Disappearance.....

My recent disappearance had nothing to do with my cancer.

We simply did not have access to the internet for a week or so.

Finally, we took advantage of someone who offered to help us and put him in charge of getting us back on line.

Voila!

Here I am!

That said, my "situation" is not that great.  We still have hope, but things are not that great.

So we appreciate any extra davening and any extra mitzvot performed for our merit.

As I know more, I will keep you posted.

For now, we know that my liver is not functioning well, I finished this round of Whole Brain Radiation (today I had my last WBR treatment), and we are waiting for more blood tests (this Wednesday) before making any decisions.

In short, cancer did not cause the delay in communication, but the technical problems that we have been experiencing certainly include cancer complication.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Give Your Mouth a Rest....

A few weeks ago, I noticed an unusual numbness in my lower lip, as if I had received novacain at the dentist, but it did not wear off.

The 2 1/2 cm (approx.1") wide affected area included my lower lip, my gums, my inner mouth, my tongue, my upper lip, and even my cheek.

At times, I barely noticed the discomfort.  During the last few days, however, there have been moments when my speach was impared and moments when I felt severe discomfort, even pain.

I thought this might pass, but it seems to be increasing in severity. 

I am trying not to panic, but I do not want the situation to remain as is.


Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Accepting New Limitations

(This post contains many religious Jewish references.  My apologies to those for whom this post is unclear)
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I cried.

I love reading Torah.  Every year, I schlep my famiy to Baka/Talpiot, so that I can celebrate Simchat Torah the way I want.

I always read V'Zot HaB'racha. 

This year, in addition, I was offered the opportunity to read B'reishit for the Kallat HaTorah.  At least I had the forsight to make sure I had a back-up.

It took me longer than usual to learn the reading of B'reishit. 

I had no problem reading V'Zot HaB'racha. Like I told the coordinator, I can read that in my sleep. But the melody for B'reishit just flew out of my brain, as if I had not prepared at all.  I could not remember the notes.

Plain and simple, my memory is no longer what it used to be. I cannot avoid the simple, painful fact that I can no longer volunteer to read Torah.

Accepting this new limitation is really tough. 

Reading Torah has always been a profoundly moving, religious experience for me.  Nothing else has ever made me feel so intensely connected to God.  I really feel like I am God's mouthpiece, bringing His words directily to His people.

I take reading Torah accurately very seriously.  I am dilligent about correctly pronouncing the words and singing the cantellations.

I deeply love reading Torah.

To my great disappointment, I find that I can no longer read at a level that is acceptible to me.

In the scheme of things, this might seem like a fairly benign loss.

For me, this marks a significant limitation and really brings home the feeling of loss and disability that accompany cancer.
Crying helped me share with God just how sad I am.  It also helped me to accept that I need to take a step back and let someone else take over. 

It is hard.... really hard....

I know that, in time, I will learn to accept this new reality, as I have accepted previous changes and limitations.

For now, I am still sad.

I am not quite done crying yet....



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Glow in the Dark (Medical Update)

I am going to start glowing in the dark.

I just started my third radiation treatment to my brain.

Just before my son's Bar Mitzvah, in July 2009, I had a month of whole brain radiation (WBR). The tumors shrank; some disappeared.  Even after 6 months, some of the tumors continued to shrink.

Just before my daughter's Bat Mitzvah, in June 2010, an MRI revealed two new tumors.  I had stereotactic radiosurgery (SRS) on what turned out to be three tumors.  My recent MRI, showed that one tumor shrank, the other is stable. It also showed several new tumors... too many for another SRS. 

The radiologist, who did my intake last Sunday, recommended that we do another round of WBR;  she wanted to wait until this Sunday, so she could consult with the head off radiology, who was in Barcelona for a professional conference.  Moshe and I felt a little nervous about waiting, but we also felt good knowing that the department took the risks of this procedure seriously (particularly since the risks are elevated by repeating the treatment).

We came in on Sunday, and the radiologist was amazing!  She consulted with the dept. head before we even got there, gave us an update (basically, that the head agreed with their earlier decision), invited Moshe to ask the dept. head any questions he still might have, set me up for the simulation, and even for the first treatment!  Things moved much faster than I expected, but I am glad to have started treatment right away, especially after waiting the extra week for the head of the dept. to return.

So, I just finished the third day of radiation.  I will receive 18 treatments altogether.

This has impeded a bit on our holiday plans.

We, more specifically "I," will have to be in Jerusalem every morning, including Erev Chag, Erev Shabbat, and Chol HaMo'ed.

I have been having a tough time with this whole thing.  I am a bit devastated to have more tumors appear so quickly.

Quite honestly, I am scared.

I am trying to keep my chin up, but it is a challenge.  I just do not feel like saying "I am fine" when I am not, and I do not feel like explaining why I do not feel fine.

My emotions are extremely close to the surface these days.  I lose my temper more than I cry, but it would probably be healthier for me to cry a bit more.  I am feeling just a tad sorry for myself these days.

I have not even mentioned the hair thing....

Meanwhile, I am chugging along.  I even taught swimming today (and had great classes, if I do say so myself!)

I just wish I had a bit more energy, and I know that the WBR will knock me out and make me even more tired than I already am.

*sigh*

So, those of you who want to make a chemo or radiation date with me --now is the time!

(I was just kidding about the glowing part....)



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Support Group -- Final Meeting of the Year

Our support group always breaks for the summer. 

Tonight we met for the last time this year. 

In addition to updating each other about ourselves, several of us learned that another member of our group passed away just over a week ago. 

For me, Shoshana was a "new" member.  She only joined the group this year, and did not come every time, so I did not know her so well.  At first, I could not even identify who we were talking about.

I felt disconnected from the discussion about her.

It might seem cold, but since I was not close with her, the news of her passing felt distant, as if it did not really affect me.

I guess, on some level, I have erected a shield, to protect myself from this sort of news.  In the world I live in, the angel of death is a regular guest.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Not So Fun and Relaxing

Today, my plan had been to go to my art class, get a massage, then come home and rest for a few hours before going out to speak to the women's Rosh Chodesh group in Elazar.

Instead, I spent the entire day at the hospital! 

To begin with, even though I am wearing THREE pain patches (12 mg each) and took a Percocet as soon as I woke up, the first thing the pain specialist in the oncology ward had me do was take two more Percocets.  It did shoot me into La-La-Land, but I could finally bare the pain! 

Then, after a brief consult and exam by my oncologist, he sent me for a CT.  After which he invited an amazing (and very nice) oncological orthopedic surgeon for an additional evaluation.  I need to do an MRI of my hip, to make sure I have no fracture, but that will wait for another day.

After I finally got out of the hospital, I had to go to the pharmacy for more pain meds, but they did not have the higher dose pain patches, that the doctor wants me to try.  My mom drove me to another pharmacy, but they did not have the patches either!  I was too tired to make another stop, so we just gave up and will go tomorrow.

By the time I got home, just a few minutes ago, I only had (have) an hour and a half to rest before leaving to speak this evening.

I am so damn tired!

I am counting on the fact that being around people energizes me.  So, I am not too concerned about my ability to give a good presentation.

That said, I am pretty sure I will crash afterwards.  Thankfully, I do not have anything planned for tomorrow, so I can rest.  Though I would really like to do something fun with my mom, who is leaving in two days. 

Being in all this pain has really cramped my style! 

I had planned on doing all these fun things with my mom.  In the end, I did not feel up to doing anything fun!  I am really hoping that we will manage to fit in at least a few fun things during the next two days!

I wanted today to be fun and relaxing.  It really was not!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, if any of you women live in the Gush, you are certainly welcome to come here me speak this evening at the moadon in Elazar at 8:00 pm.

Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

The Easy Life.... NOT!

I put on two pain patches yesterday morning, but I am still in a lot of pain.  I woke up multiple times in the middle of the night from pain, and this morning I woke up in agony.  The pain just got worse as the day progressed.

In addition to the patches, I took a Percocet.  I took a whole pill and even that did not alleviate the pain, though it made the pain bearable.

I do not know how I managed to teach swimming today, but I did.

My final class is for advanced swimmers and I teach that class from outside of the water.

Today, I pulled a chair up to the edge of the pool and gave my comments to the kids while sitting down.

One of the parents commented to me that this must be the "best job."

I was not sure what she meant, so she explained "sitting out in the sun, teaching swimming." 
Anyone who has seen me teach knows that I am usually running up and down alongside the lane, giving the kids instruction.  I might sit for a few minutes, but I am 100% with the kids.

Today, I sat because I could not stand.  I could barely manage to sit.

I did not want to elaborate about how much I was in pain, or explain that that was why I was "lounging" by the side of the pool.

I laughed off the comment, but it stuck with me.  I know she did not mean anything negative, but it struck a nerve.

I was not in full form today.  I had a very tough time concentrating on the kids.  I was so unbearably in pain.

When class finally ended, I dragged myself to the changing rooms. 

When I left, I had to ask someone to help me carry my pool bag up the stairs to the exit. I could barely walk.  I did not even want to drive, but I had no choice.

I just wanted to get home so I could take more Percocet.

My oncologist advised me to add another patch and take as much Percocet as I needed.  I no longer cared whether or not the drugs made me woozy (they did not), I just wanted to get out of pain.

My oncologist wants me to come in tomorrow morning to do some scans. He does not usually see patients on Tuesdays.

I am worried.  All this pain cannot be good.


Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Upping the Ante -- Moving On To Stronger Pain Meds (Medical Update)

Today, I began treatment with Herceptin again.  Since I have not received Herceptin in a long time, I needed to receive a "loading" dose.  Beforehand, I agreed to take hydrocortisone, to reduce the chances of an adverse reaction.  I did not really want to receive more steroids, but I also did not want to have to stop treatment in the middle.  Thankfully, I did not have an adverse reaction this time.

Also today, thanks to Moshe's gentle persistance, I chose to switch my method of pain management.  I got a patch which releases pain medication on a steady basis, over the course of three days. I am starting with the lowest dose patch, because I do not want to be all woozy.  I had to upgrade to something a bit stronger, becaue my previous regimen no longer kept the pain at bay.  I am hoping that this low dose is enough to do the trick.  One of the nurses warned me that I might experience some wooziness initially, but encouraged me to keep the patch on for several days, to give my body time to adjust and get over the wooziness.

So far, I am not feeling particularly woozy.  I still have some mild pain, but it really is mild.  We will see how I am feeling tomorrow.

My mom kept me company at the hospital today, which was really nice.  We ended up being at the hospital for a really long time (I arrived at 9:00 am and we did not get out until 4:30 pm). 

I would have liked to go home and rest, but God had other plans for me.  My son, who got himself a job working as a junior counselor this summer, had a field trip with his camp today.  He called me as soon as he learned that they would not be getting back in time for him to catch the bus to Tekoa for his horseback riding group.  I offered to take him by car today as well (I drove him and one of his friends yesterday, for their first lesson, so I could see the stables, meet the owner, and provide the boys with some sort of orientation so they would be able to come and go on their own).

Once I was driving in anyway, I decided to hang out in Tekoa with my friend, KAA, and just drive the boys home after their horseback riding session. I did not mind the wait, but I needed ice cream.  KAA and I went to the Makolet and I bought myself a tub of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream. Despite the hot weather (and the steroids coursing through my system), I exhibited exemplary self control and did not eat the entire tub of ice cream.  I used a trick my father taught me and wrapped the left over ice cream in multiple layers of plastic bags.  I used a LOT of plastic bags and the ice cream was still frozen when I got home, almost an hour later (Thanks Dad!).

Tonight, Moshe, my mom, and I, watched several episodes of The Big Bang Theory. (Thanks, LWG!)  If you are a geeky type, or even just married to one, you have to watch this!  You will laugh!!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Medical Update -- Doxil, Weight Loss and Herceptin

Started Doxil today.

We have not received approval yet, but are optimistic that our supplemental insurance will cover the treatments.

Meanwhile, a few of our many angels covered the cost of today's treatment.

So we wrote a check to the hospital and I received my first treatment.

At one point, I felt a tightness in my chest and midsection.  The nurse slowed down the pace of the IV. The pain lessened, though I still felt a tightness in my chest, in the area of my sternum.

The pressure did not increase when the nurse raised the rate again, but I still feel the tightness in my chest now (almost 7 hours later).

My next dose of Doxil is in a month.

My oncologist advised me not to expect to feel a difference in pain until then.  I hope he is wrong.

Lately, I have had to take half a Percocet at night, in order to alleviate the pain enough for me to fall asleep.  I wake up in the morning, earlier than I want, from pain.  I do not want to take a whole pill, because I do not want to be a zombie in the morning!  I am back to taking pain killers (2 Optalgin & 2 Algolysin) as soon as I get up, and every four hours thereafter. 

My appetite has not yet returned fully.  I only have a few more kilos left to lose (4.7 to be exact).  When I get down to 70 kilos, I will have to do something to make sure that I do not lose too much weight.  I always said:  If I have to eat a high calorie diet, I will just eat ice cream all day.  I might need to stock up soon....

I also need to do some sort of exercise.  I know I do not move enough during the day.  I lost all this weight, yet I still feel like I have to drag myself to go anywhere.

Good news for today:  My health fund approved coverage of Herceptin!
 


 
Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

The Dress -- Part II

This Sunday, one of the topics covered in my shiur (Torah study class) was the prohibition of ta'avot (desires).

I publicly declared that I was in the midst of a major struggle with my ta'avot, regarding The Dress.

Since the previous Wednesday, I could not stop thinking about The Dress. 

I kept thinking of ways to justify the expense:

• I have not bought myself a new dress in at least ten years. 
• The price per year is reasonable when it is divided by ten!
• Though the dress is elegant, it is simple enough so that I can wear it to other smachot (celebrations)
• I would also wear the dress on chagim (holidays), including Rosh HaShannah. 

But, these calculations would be irrelevant if I gained back the weight I lost.  And, if they put me back on steroids, I could gain that weight back fairly quickly. 

On the other hand, I really do not want to regain that weight. So, it does not make sense to make a decision based on a possibility that I am hoping will not happen.

I decided to ask the store to hold the dress for me, for a day.

When I called the store, the saleslady told me they sold the dress!

My heart plummeted!!

I asked if they could get another dress.

The store owner made a few calls.  Her supplier had another dress in my size and would deliver it to her store.

Then I learned that all the stores at the mall were having a three day stock sale.  On Wednesday, after we left the store, my friend went back and told them about my "situation;" the store owner offered to sell The Dress to me for 1,600 NIS. With the stock sale, The Dress would be 1,326 NIS -- still way beyond my budget, but significantly cheaper than 2,000 NIS!

Meanwhile, the store had the same dress in bordeaux (maroon). I asked a friend, who is a seamstress, to come look at the dress and tell me if she could copy it.  My friend was fairly confident that she could make a similar dress.  Clearly, her dress would not be exactly the same, but it would be close.  We even went to a fabric store and found the same fabric.

I should have felt relieved but, instead, I felt anxious. 

What if she put in all the work and her dress did not meet my expectations?  What if it was not as comfortable?  Or not as pretty?

I needed to decide, because the stock sale ended today.

Yesterday (Tuesday), I spent all afternoon looking for a dress.  I found nothing that fit right.  My body is shaped funny because of the hernia (I actually have two abdominal hernias.  Lucky me.).  So, I really need something that is cut right for me.

I consulted my husband, my mother, my father, and several select friends. 

I wondered if I was crazy for even considering The Dress.

I learned that in Tel Aviv, similar dresses can cost twice as much, or more!  So, what? 

Almost everyone encouraged me to get the dress.  Still, I hesitated. 

I felt torn by my natural frugality versus my extreme desire for The Dress.

Today, on my way home from Beit Natan's Spring Retreat, as I rushed home for a scheduled phone consultation with an oncologist in the US, I did it.

I stopped at the mall, went to the store and paid for the dress (so I could get it at the stock sale price).  I had no time to think, because I needed to get home for the consultation.

I made one more quick stop at the photo shop to get an album for my daughter's Bat Mitzvah.  Because of the stock sale, it cost half the price.

I was in and out of the mall in less than 15 minutes!

I did not have time to think about my decision.

I arrived home just in time to place the call.

Deliberating over The Dress was difficult enough.

Deliberating over my next treatment makes my head spin!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

CRASH

Last night, I collapsed into bed at 8:15 pm.  By 8:30 pm I was fast asleep!

I do not remember the last time I went to be that early without being sick!

Unfortunately, I then woke up at 4:00 am!!  I managed to fall back asleep, but kept waking up from the pain.

Finally, at 7:00, I got up to help my son.

Before I did anything, I popped some pain killers.

I gotta' start the new treatment soon, whatever it is.  I am in too much pain!

I am not convinced that is what is wearing me down, but it sure does not help!

It is still early (for me), but I can already feel myself crashing.... 



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Tummy Turnarounds -- more information than you want to know

I was so grateful to be off the meds, if only to get my stomach back.

Well, the upset stomach took a few days to resolve itself, but now we are firmly on the other side.

I have major constipation.

Life is so unfair!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Riding the Rollercoaster -- Medical Update (2010, June)

Given my rising markers, the increase in pain, the brain mets, and everything else, what I am about to write should come as no surprise....

There has been progression of disease, not just in my brain.

There are new tumors in my skeleton and, once again, I have tumors in my liver.

The good news is that the tumers in my liver are small and pose no imminent threat; my liver is functioning normally.

I need to change treatments.

My oncologist is considering switching my treatment to Doxil.  We want to consult with the oncologist who we see for second opinions; she is currently in the US, participating in a major breast cancer conference. 

During our last visit with her, she mentioned that we should contact her when we are finished with the Xeloda and Tykerb (read: when those drugs stop working), because there might be some research at her hospital that is relevant for me.

Meanwhile, I need to be off everything for a week or two to "clean out" my system.

They sent me upstairs to do an "Echo," to make sure the previous chemotherapies have not damaged my heart.  Thank God, my heart is functioning well.

So, now, we just need to figure out which drugs to take next and begin our next round.


*** deep breath ***


I am OK.

This morning, this news made my head spin.

I feel OK now.

I still need a good cry, but that will come.

I do not want this, but I am strong.

We have been on this ride before.

It is scary.

We can handle it.


Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

What A Long Strange Day It's Been....

I cannot remember how I started my day.... 

Oh yeah, a friend came over to do some "shopping" (I'll post more about that later....).  She left with a suitcase full of clothes for her younger boys.  YAY!!

My son got a late start (no great surprise there -- he was exhausted from yesterday's tiyul).  I got a little annoyed about how late he actually got up, but I managed to let my frustration go. I even made him lunch, so he left feeling good that his mother "took care of him."  It is such a funny stage -- he wants to be independent, but he also wants to be pampered.  Finding the right balance is.... challenging!

An hour later, another friend came over to treat me to shiatsu.*  What a pleasure!  I have been feeing overwhelmed and stressed for several days.  I felt so relaxed when she finished treating me!

Then I met with my "narrative therapist."  We have met several times already and I am still not sure exactly what "narrative therapy" is, but I find the sessions with her insightful.  (And she comes to my home, so it could not be easier!)  She asks probing questions that make me think.  My purpose in meeting with her, is to use our meetings to reach my concrete goal of getting my house in order (primarily decluttering, but also organizing....).  Today we mainly "caught up," after not meeting for several weeks.  She also helped me to refocus on my ultimate goal.

In the middle of our session, I got hungry.  That has not happened for the longest time!!

I actually ate some real food and enjoyed it.  I had a small piece of eggplant parmesan, a small slice of carrot cake, and a tall glass of milk.  I was still hungry afterwards, so I ate some honey roasted peanuts.  Not bad for someone who has not had an appetite for 10 months! 

A few hours later, I ate an early dinner with my two younger kids.  I had a bowl of soup and corn on the cob, with butter and salt.  What a simple pleasure to sit and eat with my kids!

I really enjoyed spending the time together.

Unfortunately, I am now paying the piper....  My stomach is grumbling and acting up again.

Perhaps I should have eaten toast with jam, but that is so boring!!   I wanted yummy food.

It was a very surrealistic day, slow, kind of wierd feelings. 

My daughter had her Kfitz Kfotz gymnastics presentation this evening.  This year, they did a local presentation, which I really appreciated.  It was much easier for me to attend a shorter program that was close to home.

When we arrived home, my son was already in bed, and on his way to never-never-land.  Before I left, we discussed what time he should eat supper and go to bed, given how tired he was this morning.  I am pleased that he demonstrated responsibility and made sure to go to bed on time.  I am proud of him.

My daughter also had a few thoughts to share about her day.  She raised several issues that were disturbing her, primarily about certain dynamics at her school.  I tried to guide her a bit, but mostly I just listened.  I am glad she feels she can talk to me.

Today is my eldest's birthday.  She was not home all day.  I missed her.  My youngest was especially disappointed that her sister would not be around to celebrate her birthday.  My youngest is always very diligent about making something nice for our birthdays.  She clearly felt disappointed that her sister would not be receiving her gifts on her actual birthday. My youngest and I sang Happy Birthday to my eldest over the phone. We will celebrate more with her over Shabbat.

My kids are all growing up so fast....



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

--------------------------------------------------------
* In addition to practicing Shiatsu professionally, Idit volunteers her services to me and to the Yuri Stern Foundation.

Idit has a wonderful, warm, and relaxing treatment room in her home.
  
For regular treatments or to treat yourself to something special:
Idit Amir
077-757-8949
052-660-8442
Idit Amir amir.idit@gmail.com

Tummy Breaks

My stomach is just not happy.

My oncologist advised me to take a break from the drugs for a few days.

I have to be honest, I skipped the drugs this morning because I just could not deal with my upset stomach.

I am so wiped out that I had to cancel swimming lessons today!!  I just could not drag my sorry little *** out of bed!  I also worried that teaching in the hot sun might cause dehydration.  I really do not want to end up in the hospital, and I am losing a lot of fluids....  I am drinking all day long, but I do not know how much I am retaining.

I felt so good yesterday, and today I just feel like a wet dishrag!

I slept for several hours and still feel drained.

At least, I am catching a few extra moments with my girls!  (my son is on tiyul with sayarut)

My stomach feels so awful! (I have not even mentioned my cracked hands and mouth sores!)

I hate this!!


Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Upset Tummy

I woke up so early!  Before 6:00 am!!

The house was so quiet.  The light shining through the windows was that hazy, early morning light, just after the sun comes up.

I did not want to be up, but I had to go to the bathroom.

By the time I could go back to bed, there was activity in the house and the sky was brighter and clearer.

I really want to go back to sleep, but my stomach is still churning.

I took two pills (Imodium/Stop-It), but my tummy is still upset.

I am really tired and feeling sorry for myself.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Crazy Night, Crazier Day

When I volunteered to coordinate registration for our Barnard alumnae event (last night), I did not realize it was scheduled for the same evening as my close friend's son's Bar Mitzvah celebration.  By the time I realized the scheduling conflict, I had already taken on the responsibility for coordinating the whole event, including the hall, the caterer, etc.  I love coordinating these events, even though it is a lot of work.  I am a people person, and events like this are invigorating for me.

Thankfully, I had made it to the Bar Mitzvah celebration on Shavuot, which was really the main celebration.  Still, I did not want to miss the evening celebration, especially the speaches by the Bar Mitzvah boy and his family (that's my favorite part!). 

The alumnae event was scheduled to end an hour after the Bar Mitzvah celebrations were scheduled to begin.  If the timing worked out, I imagined I could arrive at the Bar Mitzvah celebration not long after it began. Who was I kidding?

Of course, our event ran a bit longer than expected!  And I am slow getting everything packed up!!  I arrived at the Bar Mitzvah celebration almost two hours late!  I was worried that I missed all the important parts. 

I walked in, just as the second speach began.  I actually made it on time!! (almost!)

I just missed the first speach by the Abba.  To my good fortune, he posted his speach on his blog.  Reading it is not quite as good as hearing it in person, but it is a close second.

I had such a good time at both events!  It was after 11:00 pm, when I crashed.  It was the very end of the Bar Mitzvah, and I was sitting with my friend and several other close friends, when a wave of exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks.  I had to go home and lie down, NOW!

Within seconds of arriving home, I was in bed, fast asleep.

Everyone was tired this morning.  We all slept late.

My youngest was hours late to school  My middle child decided to take the day off (I did not really approve, but his teacher gave his permission, so I let it go).  And my eldest did not have school so that she could prepare for the math bagrut (national exam) tomorrow.

I will never get used to the Israeli system.

I spent several hours this morning talking with my son, and helping him plan out his morning, so it would be productive.  He decided to learn several chapters of Navi (Prophets), since that was one of the classes he would be missing today.  Of course, he also spent half an hour playing on the computer....

Meanwhile, I went to the hospital for my "pre-op" stuff -- registering for the radiosurgery and a quick MRI.

Again, who was I kidding???

The hospital registration was a beaurocratic nightmare, and the MRI was backed up by over an hour!

Thank God, my friend who accompanied me today, NHC, was really helpful!  Especially when the doctor did not get the needle in the vein on her first attempt, and I was really scared and uptight when she tried again. 

Between the registration, the delay, the needles, and everything else, I was pretty stressed out!

Did I mention that I did not cancel my swimming classes????

As soon as I finished the test, we ran out of there.  I did not even wait to get the CD.  (I will pick it up on Wednesday)

My friend took me straight home, so I could pick up my son and my car.  My son waited outside, with the keys to my car; so, as soon as I got home, we drove off to the pool!

I teach the best kids!  And their parents, God bless them, are so flexible and understanding.  I arrived 20 minutes late for my first class.  (Classes are only half an hour long!)

I ended up combining my first and second classes, and just made the lesson longer.  My son also assisted me in teaching that class.  I could write a whole post about how wonderful it was to work together with my son!

Then I taught my advanced swimmers class, and my son joined that class.  It has been a while since he has been in class and he worked really hard.  I was so proud of him.  And so pleased to see that his form was still good!!

I love my advanced swimmers class.  There are two or three different levels in that class and it is so challenging, but so great.  I really get to push the kids to achieve more than they think they can do.  Every once in a while, I have a lesson where I see that each kid has really made progress.  Today was like that!

I was in such a great mood when I finished teaching.  And I was so excited to have spent such quality time with my son.  In theory, as soon as I got home, I could have gone straight to bed....

In theory..... but not in real life.

Believe it or not, my day did not end there.  (Yes, I am a crazy woman!)

Tonight, Moshe and I attended the first workshop, in a series of 8, based on the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk."  The series is sponsored, and hosted, by Zichron Menachem, so the workshop relates to the impact of having a family member with cancer.  The other families all have kids who have or had cancer.  We are the only family in the workshop with a parent who has cancer.

After the workshop, we had to stop by the drugstore.

By the time we got home, it was close to midnight.

It has been a long, emotionally draining, day!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Baruch Dayan Emet -- Taube Korn z"l

I do not want to write this post.  Writing it makes it true.  And I do not want it to be true.

I did not want to write this, yet I could not write anything else, until I wrote it.  Which is why my blog has been silent for so many days.  I did not want to write the words that would make it real.

My dear friend, Taube, passed away last Tuesday night.

Her funeral was on Wednesday, at the same time as I was scheduled for my PET scan.  There was no way I could attend.  Maybe that was God's way of protecting me.

Though I met Taube because of our cancers, we discovered connections that go back to our childhood.  We grew up a block away from each other, our brothers were in school together, our mothers knew each other, we were in the same youth group, and we attended the same college/university.  Our common past, combined with our common present, formed a strong bond between us.

Taube began her journey into the cancer world about a year before I did, so she provided a tremendous amount of support and insight for me.  Whenever I felt lost, I called Taube, and she guided me with patience and wisdom.

I was privileged to be a guest in her home on several occasions and got to know her kids a bit as well.  To say that her family is impressive, is an understatement.  I cannot adequately describe the harmony I felt in her home.

Mostly, we talked on the phone.  We talked about cancer, parenting, religion, faith.  You name it, we talked about it. 

Even as her health deteriorated, I did not believe that her situation would not turn itself around.  She had a very rare form of bone cancer and had been in a not-so-good place before.  I felt sure the doctors could bring her around again.

Taube was poised, smart, private, perceptive, and giving.  She managed to keep working, despite her pain and limitations.  She inspired me to be strong and to live my life, despite the cancer. 

When I felt darkness closing in on me, Taube helped me through it. 

I did not realize how quickly her own darkness was closing in on her.

When Taube stopped calling me, I assumed she must be busy.

When she stopped returning my calls, I started to worry.  Still, I assumed she must be busy.

She was busy.  I had no idea....

By the time I realized how serious things were, Taube no longer felt strong enough for visitors.

I did not have a chance to say good bye.

Had I the chance, what would I have said?

A friend wisely advised me to write Taube a letter, which I did.  Taube's husband read the letter to her. 

In the letter, I let Taube know how much I valued her friendship and appreciated all her advice, support, and love.

I will miss her more than I can describe.

May her memory be a blessing.

יהי זיכרה ברוך



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

PET CT (May 2010)

I was not too worried about the PET CT, until I got the results from the MRI.

The news that two tumors grew, combined with my rising markers, has triggered a bit of anxiety about what else might be growing....

In general, I am pretty proficient in evoking "The Ostrich Syndrome."*  To a great extent, I can pretty much ignore/forget about most things.... until the relevant day.

Well, today is the relevant day.

A good friend is joining me, bringing games (of course!), and we will pass the time with good conversation, and lots of laughter, I am sure.

But, I am, admittedly, anxious.

I will be in the hospital for around three hours (everything takes time in the hospital....).  The PET scan only takes a few minutes (10-20 minutes, I don't remember exactly).  But, 'till you are checked in, and are injected with the radioactive material, and the material circulates in your bloodstream.... well, it all takes time.  And, during that time, there is just no way to ignore the fact that I have cancer.

Then, of course, there is the wait that comes after the test.

Waiting for the results is tough.  You know the results are out there... you just do not know what they are.

The hospital only sends the results to the oncologist.  I understand the logic, but it is frustrating.  It simply adds another step, so it takes even longer to find out the results.

On the one hand, I do not mind extending the illusion that everything is fine.  But, I want to know.

If things really are fine, I want that reassurance.

And, if they are not, well, I need to know that too.  Because that affects how I am treated and if I need to make any changes in my treatment.

Either way, I want to know.

Until I receive confirmation that the results are good (and the cancer is stable), I will be anxious.

I am praying.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

* Yes, I know, Ostriches don't really bury their head in the sand.  Still, you all knew what I meant, because the image is strong, even if it is fictional!

As the Sun Breaks Through the Clouds.... (Medical/Emotional Update)

From the moment I discovered that my cancer spread to my brain, I felt surrounded by a dark fog.

I struggled not to get sucked into that black hole we call depression.

I did not want to slip into that world.

Yet, despite all the things I did (on my own, with my family, and with my friends), the fog would not clear.

Months after I finished treatment, I still felt that I was fighting my way out of that dark fog.

I worked so hard at maintaining a positive attitude.

So much of my energy was just sucked away.

I spent days in bed, accomplishing nothing.

Nights, I lay in bed; doom-and-gloomy thoughts, swimming behind my closed eyes.

For almost 10 months, I felt like I was treading water, barely managing to keep my head above water.

After a while, I wondered if I could shake this on my own. 

I filled a prescription for anti-anxiety pills.

I kept them the pills with my pain killers.

I never took them.

About two weeks ago, I noticed the clouds were clearing, and I could see the sun shining through.

Finally, I felt myself returning to that "good place."

I got out of bed. 

I started doing some of those things on my "to do" list. (you know, that awful list of things we have to do, but hate doing...)

I felt like I could be myself, without working so hard.

I felt good.

------------------------------------------------

Then, this past Thursday, Moshe was really sick (he's fine now).  Though he wanted to accompany me, coming to the hospital was not an option.

I went to the hospital on my own.  I met with my oncologist on my own.  I got "the news" on my own.

I responded very rationally.  (I think I might have been in shock)

In my calm, I recognized that I stood on a threshold;  I made a choice.

I did not want to go back to that dark place where I spent the last ten months.

I will not go back there.

It is not so easy.

I have two tumors on my brain that are growing and my markers have been rising slowly, but surely.  I have an appointment with the head of radiology tomorrow (Sunday) and I have a PET CT scheduled for Wednesday. 

I will know more tomorrow.  And I will know even more when we get the results of the PET scan (though I will probably have to wait another two weeks to get those results).

I do not really want to tell people, because I do not want anyone freaking out or feeling sorry for me.

On the other hand, I would not mind if people added a few extra prayers.

I have been talking a lot with God lately. 

I am counting on God to help me get through this.

I want to wake up every day and see the sun, shining bright!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA