Accepting New Limitations

(This post contains many religious Jewish references.  My apologies to those for whom this post is unclear)
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I cried.

I love reading Torah.  Every year, I schlep my famiy to Baka/Talpiot, so that I can celebrate Simchat Torah the way I want.

I always read V'Zot HaB'racha. 

This year, in addition, I was offered the opportunity to read B'reishit for the Kallat HaTorah.  At least I had the forsight to make sure I had a back-up.

It took me longer than usual to learn the reading of B'reishit. 

I had no problem reading V'Zot HaB'racha. Like I told the coordinator, I can read that in my sleep. But the melody for B'reishit just flew out of my brain, as if I had not prepared at all.  I could not remember the notes.

Plain and simple, my memory is no longer what it used to be. I cannot avoid the simple, painful fact that I can no longer volunteer to read Torah.

Accepting this new limitation is really tough. 

Reading Torah has always been a profoundly moving, religious experience for me.  Nothing else has ever made me feel so intensely connected to God.  I really feel like I am God's mouthpiece, bringing His words directily to His people.

I take reading Torah accurately very seriously.  I am dilligent about correctly pronouncing the words and singing the cantellations.

I deeply love reading Torah.

To my great disappointment, I find that I can no longer read at a level that is acceptible to me.

In the scheme of things, this might seem like a fairly benign loss.

For me, this marks a significant limitation and really brings home the feeling of loss and disability that accompany cancer.
Crying helped me share with God just how sad I am.  It also helped me to accept that I need to take a step back and let someone else take over. 

It is hard.... really hard....

I know that, in time, I will learn to accept this new reality, as I have accepted previous changes and limitations.

For now, I am still sad.

I am not quite done crying yet....



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Women Reading Torah for Women

Years ago, when someone from my Women's Tefillah Group asked me if my eldest would layn (read) Torah at her Bat Mitzvah, I responded, "ask her."

I knew that the desire to learn to read Torah had to come from my daughter and not from me.

To my surprise, and pleasure, my eldest chose to read.  She was so excited!  She had six grammar lessons before she even began learning the trope (cantilation) and, she looked forward to every lesson!  In the end, she read six out of seven aliyot.  I read the fourth aliyah, which she did not learn.  It was a great way for me to be involved in her Bat Mitzvah.

When my youngest daughter also expressed interest in layning her parsha, I felt so happy and proud.

I would have liked to teach her, but from my experiences with my eldest and my middle, I already knew that I just did not have the energy, or the discipline, to teach my youngest properly.  My good friend, IS, who taught me to layn back when we were still in college, taught my daughter.

When my daughter discovered how challenging learning to layn is, she expressed doubt that she would be able to learn at all, much less learn the entire Torah reading.

We assured her that whatever she did would be good enough.

A few weeks ago, I realized that she had really mastered the skill of learning to layn, and suggested to her that she probably could learn the entire parsha.  She did not reject the idea, but doubted she could do it.

I will never forget the moment when she came to tell me, with her eyes shining bright and a huge smile on her face, that she knew it all!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Proud Parenting Moment -- She Read the WHOLE THING!

Today, my youngest daughter read the entire parsha for Shirat Sarah, our women's Tefillah (prayer) group.

She did a fantastic job!

I am so proud.

I wanted to write more, but my right hip and leg are spazzing out.  I am in so much pain, even after taking pain killers.  I just cannot write more right now.

I am so grateful to God for keeping my pain down to a minimum during Shabbat.  I was really able to enjoy our simcha.

I'll write more another time. (b'li neder)



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA