Angels, Shoulder Pain, & Shiatsu

Sunday morning, I woke up with excruciating pain in my right shoulder, different from any pain I experienced before.  The focal point of the pain was deep inside my shoulder, and the deeper I inhaled the more it hurt. The pain felt like muscle pain, and I hoped it would work itself out during the course of the day.  Meanwhile, I concentrated on slow, shalow breathing. 

I slept almost all day, partially because I felt so tired and weak, and partially to escape the pain.

Nothing changed.

Midday, I contacted my friend who does Shiatsu.  She had quite a busy day, and asked if I would be up for a treatment in the evening.  Desperate, I told her she should come whenever she could and I would make it work.

I spent the afternoon helping my youngest daughter, who is really into cooking, go over what she wants to prepare for Rosh HaShannah, make a shopping list, and study for her math test the next day.  I do not know from where she gets her enthusiams about cooking, but I am trying to encourage her and be supportive.  She would rather cook than do math; I would rather do math than cook!  I really enjoyed helping her with math, but we did not have a chance to finish before she had to leave for gymnastics. 

Then my son came home. One moment he behaved so charmingly, the next moment he snapped at me, then he again acted like a perfect gentleman, then he bit my head off, and so on.  I had promised to help him make his lunch, and I was determined to fulfill my promise.  Waking up in the morning to make sandwiches for/with him is just too much for me.  I cannot do it. 

My eldest daughter behaved pretty much the same as my son: pleasant one moment, harsh and critical the next.

My kids completely wore me out!

I could not deal with any more stress.... I escaped into my bedroom.

A few minutes later, my angel friend callled: "Are you still up for a treatment?" she asked, ever so sweetly.

We usually do shiatsu in my living room, but I really needed a break from my kids, so she treated me on my bed. 

For the first time all day, I felt some relief. 

When she finished, I did not want to move.  I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

At one point, Moshe woke me and asked me if I felt comfortable the way I was lying.  I shifted to a more comfortable position, closed my eyes, and resumed my slumber.  Though I woke up briefly a few more times, I quickly returned to sleep, and slept deaply until the morning.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

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In addition to practicing Shiatsu professionally, Idit volunteers her services to me and to the Yuri Stern Foundation.


Idit has a wonderful, warm, and relaxing treatment room in her home.
For regular treatments or to treat yourself to something special:
Idit Amir
077-757-8949
052-660-8442
Idit Amir amir.idit@gmail.com

Tough Times

Summer is over, and I have been having a tough time.

Thank God, I had the strength to do things with my kids.  We all really had a great summer.

That said, I spent most of my time in bed.

I am still trying to find the right balance of pain meds.  This Thursday, I consulted with the pain specialist at my hospital and he said I should up the dose of my pain patch by 50%.  I will try it, starting tomorrow, when I switch the patch.

Meanwhile, I am so tired, I just want to sleep all day long.  I read a bit here and there, and then I am ready to go back to sleep.

The cancer makes me tired.  The chemo makes me tired.  The pain makes me tired.  The pain meds make me tired.  My kids make me tired.  Doing everything makes me tired.  Doing anything makes me tired.

Complain, complain, complain.....



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

I'm Better Now

Sorry, did not mean to cause a stir...

I feel like I am living out some sort of bad Monty Python skit.

Scene1: we see an old lady, lying in bed, twisting and turning, and screaming in pain

Scene 2: we see the same old lady, skipping through the park, waving her arms, and singing. As she is skipping along, she meets her physician, and the following dialogue takes place:

Doctor: I thought you were dying?
Old Lady: I was.
Dramatic Pause - Doctor looks confused
Old Lady: ....I got better*

OK, so I am not old, and I am not skipping through the park, but I am no longer trying to escape from my body either.

I am still in pain, and we are going to up the pain meds, again. 

But I did not need to panic....



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

*For those who don't get/remember the reference:

Peasant: She turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant: ... I got better.
— Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Agony

I think I must have forgotten to switch my pain patch.

I usually record the change in my yoman (diary), but I did not record anything on Monday, when I should have put on a new patch.

Last night, I had to take two Percocets, so that I could fall asleep, and today, I have taken two Percocets another two or three times.  I have lost count.

Meanwhile, I put on a new pain patch.  They take about 12 hours to "kick in."

I am in such excruciating pain. I just want to crawl out of my body!

I have so much to do today, for my kids, and I cannot do anything.  I hurt so much that my brain is fuzzy -- not drugged out, just overwhelmed by pain.  I just want to cry.  I need to escape from this pain. It is so debilitating!

I do not even feel like talking, and I always feel like talking!

I used to think I was so tough, but I have such a hard time tolerating pain.

I am not so tough.

I want my mommy.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Overly Optimistic & New Pain Theory

******warning: biological details******

Wish I could report that I am feeling better.  I am not.

I am not worried about anything serious.  My biggest concern last week was that maybe the pain was from a strangulated hernia, but the doctor confirmed that my symptoms do not match that situation. 

We both agreed that the pain was consistant with constipation.  The laxative he prescribed seems to have cleared out my intestines, but it has not fully resolved the pain.  The initial pain is significantly less, but I still have sharp pain whenever I breathe deeply or yawn.  And I am still uncomfortable when lying on my side or sitting up.

My new theory is that I must have pulled a muscle during the period when I was constipated and trying to relieve myself.  (sorry for the graphic description, but it is what it is).

I might have pulled a muscle around my lower lung or somewhere in my upper abdomen.  Either way, if I am correct, it will take a while for the muscle to heal, so I do not expect relief anytime in the next few days (or nights).

Nights are really the worst, because I keep waking up from pain.  I have not had a pain free, good night's sleep in over a week.

And I wonder why I am so tired.....



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

A Pain-Free Window and Another Miserable Night (Medical Update)

Despite yesterday's crazy, drugged-up, day at the hospital,  I managed to rest for an hour before leaving to give my presentation in Elazar.

I am pleased to report that I felt great during my presentation, and the talk was excellent (if I do say so myself).  I spoke for about an hour and then opened the floor for questions.  Many women actively participated, asking pertinent and insightful questions. Even after the evening officially ended, women came up to ask additional questions and share some more personal thoughts.

I had prepared an outline for the evening's talk, to give to the organizers.  I usually do not plan out what I am going to say in such detail.  The outline really helped me to focus my presentation, and the messages I wished to convey.

Right after the presentation, on my way out, I experienced a sudden, new, intense pain, in my upper abdomen, on my right side.  It hurt me to breathe.  I could barely stand up straight.

It felt like a gas bubble was caught underneath my ribcage and I did not know how to relieve the pressure.  The pharmacist had warned me that the pain medications could cause constipation, which I understood to be at the root of this new pain.

As soon as I got home, I collapsed into bed.  Lying flat on my back was the least uncomfortable position.  Turning onto my side caused excruciating pain.  Two hours after I first fell asleep, I woke up from the pain. I could not fall back asleep, the pain was unbearable.

I wrote an email to my doctor then spent an hour in the bathroom.  I managed to relieve at least some of the pressure, but it was not fun to be up in the middle of the night, feeling so much discomfort.

I felt pretty miserable.  It took another hour or so to fall into a fitful sleep.  I did not sleep well.  The pain kept waking me up.  Each time, I had to concentrate on breathing slowly and shalowly, so I could relax my body enough to fall asleep.

When morning finally came around, I still hurt. 

I went to the doctor, who examined my abdomen and agreed with my evaluation.  He prescribed a laxative and gave me a shot for the pain. 

By the time I finished at the doctor's office, the pharmacy had already received my order for the new pain patches.  My mom picked up the new patches, which are 50 mg of Fenta (instead of 12), and I put one on right away. 

The new patch seems to be working.  I took one Percocet when I woke up this morning, but, besides that shot in the doctor's office, I have not needed any further supplements to the pain patch.

I still feel abdominal pain on my right side, but it is significantly less than this morning's pain.  I am cautiously optimistic that I will feel better tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my mother's last day of this visit.  It would be nice if we could do something fun....



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Not So Fun and Relaxing

Today, my plan had been to go to my art class, get a massage, then come home and rest for a few hours before going out to speak to the women's Rosh Chodesh group in Elazar.

Instead, I spent the entire day at the hospital! 

To begin with, even though I am wearing THREE pain patches (12 mg each) and took a Percocet as soon as I woke up, the first thing the pain specialist in the oncology ward had me do was take two more Percocets.  It did shoot me into La-La-Land, but I could finally bare the pain! 

Then, after a brief consult and exam by my oncologist, he sent me for a CT.  After which he invited an amazing (and very nice) oncological orthopedic surgeon for an additional evaluation.  I need to do an MRI of my hip, to make sure I have no fracture, but that will wait for another day.

After I finally got out of the hospital, I had to go to the pharmacy for more pain meds, but they did not have the higher dose pain patches, that the doctor wants me to try.  My mom drove me to another pharmacy, but they did not have the patches either!  I was too tired to make another stop, so we just gave up and will go tomorrow.

By the time I got home, just a few minutes ago, I only had (have) an hour and a half to rest before leaving to speak this evening.

I am so damn tired!

I am counting on the fact that being around people energizes me.  So, I am not too concerned about my ability to give a good presentation.

That said, I am pretty sure I will crash afterwards.  Thankfully, I do not have anything planned for tomorrow, so I can rest.  Though I would really like to do something fun with my mom, who is leaving in two days. 

Being in all this pain has really cramped my style! 

I had planned on doing all these fun things with my mom.  In the end, I did not feel up to doing anything fun!  I am really hoping that we will manage to fit in at least a few fun things during the next two days!

I wanted today to be fun and relaxing.  It really was not!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, if any of you women live in the Gush, you are certainly welcome to come here me speak this evening at the moadon in Elazar at 8:00 pm.

Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

The Easy Life.... NOT!

I put on two pain patches yesterday morning, but I am still in a lot of pain.  I woke up multiple times in the middle of the night from pain, and this morning I woke up in agony.  The pain just got worse as the day progressed.

In addition to the patches, I took a Percocet.  I took a whole pill and even that did not alleviate the pain, though it made the pain bearable.

I do not know how I managed to teach swimming today, but I did.

My final class is for advanced swimmers and I teach that class from outside of the water.

Today, I pulled a chair up to the edge of the pool and gave my comments to the kids while sitting down.

One of the parents commented to me that this must be the "best job."

I was not sure what she meant, so she explained "sitting out in the sun, teaching swimming." 
Anyone who has seen me teach knows that I am usually running up and down alongside the lane, giving the kids instruction.  I might sit for a few minutes, but I am 100% with the kids.

Today, I sat because I could not stand.  I could barely manage to sit.

I did not want to elaborate about how much I was in pain, or explain that that was why I was "lounging" by the side of the pool.

I laughed off the comment, but it stuck with me.  I know she did not mean anything negative, but it struck a nerve.

I was not in full form today.  I had a very tough time concentrating on the kids.  I was so unbearably in pain.

When class finally ended, I dragged myself to the changing rooms. 

When I left, I had to ask someone to help me carry my pool bag up the stairs to the exit. I could barely walk.  I did not even want to drive, but I had no choice.

I just wanted to get home so I could take more Percocet.

My oncologist advised me to add another patch and take as much Percocet as I needed.  I no longer cared whether or not the drugs made me woozy (they did not), I just wanted to get out of pain.

My oncologist wants me to come in tomorrow morning to do some scans. He does not usually see patients on Tuesdays.

I am worried.  All this pain cannot be good.


Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Upping the Ante -- Moving On To Stronger Pain Meds (Medical Update)

Today, I began treatment with Herceptin again.  Since I have not received Herceptin in a long time, I needed to receive a "loading" dose.  Beforehand, I agreed to take hydrocortisone, to reduce the chances of an adverse reaction.  I did not really want to receive more steroids, but I also did not want to have to stop treatment in the middle.  Thankfully, I did not have an adverse reaction this time.

Also today, thanks to Moshe's gentle persistance, I chose to switch my method of pain management.  I got a patch which releases pain medication on a steady basis, over the course of three days. I am starting with the lowest dose patch, because I do not want to be all woozy.  I had to upgrade to something a bit stronger, becaue my previous regimen no longer kept the pain at bay.  I am hoping that this low dose is enough to do the trick.  One of the nurses warned me that I might experience some wooziness initially, but encouraged me to keep the patch on for several days, to give my body time to adjust and get over the wooziness.

So far, I am not feeling particularly woozy.  I still have some mild pain, but it really is mild.  We will see how I am feeling tomorrow.

My mom kept me company at the hospital today, which was really nice.  We ended up being at the hospital for a really long time (I arrived at 9:00 am and we did not get out until 4:30 pm). 

I would have liked to go home and rest, but God had other plans for me.  My son, who got himself a job working as a junior counselor this summer, had a field trip with his camp today.  He called me as soon as he learned that they would not be getting back in time for him to catch the bus to Tekoa for his horseback riding group.  I offered to take him by car today as well (I drove him and one of his friends yesterday, for their first lesson, so I could see the stables, meet the owner, and provide the boys with some sort of orientation so they would be able to come and go on their own).

Once I was driving in anyway, I decided to hang out in Tekoa with my friend, KAA, and just drive the boys home after their horseback riding session. I did not mind the wait, but I needed ice cream.  KAA and I went to the Makolet and I bought myself a tub of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream. Despite the hot weather (and the steroids coursing through my system), I exhibited exemplary self control and did not eat the entire tub of ice cream.  I used a trick my father taught me and wrapped the left over ice cream in multiple layers of plastic bags.  I used a LOT of plastic bags and the ice cream was still frozen when I got home, almost an hour later (Thanks Dad!).

Tonight, Moshe, my mom, and I, watched several episodes of The Big Bang Theory. (Thanks, LWG!)  If you are a geeky type, or even just married to one, you have to watch this!  You will laugh!!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Humor (wit and wisdom when you least expect it)

I am not feeling too well.  My head hurts, I feel pressure in my chest, and my hips, thighs, shoulders and neck hurt. 

I am feeling pretty sorry for myself at this moment.  I hate not feeling good.  And I hate being this way when my parents are here.  I want them to see me at my best, so they will not worry when they are not here.

But I am feeling so miserable, there is just no way for me to be my usual, cheerful self.

I mentioned to Moshe how much I hate not feeling well.

Ever the supportive husband, he responded:  'It's your own fault.  If you liked not feeling well then you'd be having a great time."



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel. With love and optimism, RivkA

Dry Hands

Xeloda dries out your hands and feet. 

The skin on the tips of my right thumb and my left index finger is cracked.

Cracked.

From dryness.

It hurts.

If I remember to put hand cream on it, all the time, the cracks will heal.

You might think that if I feel pain in my fingers then I would remember to put on cream.

You would be wrong.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Pain (Medical Update)

I have been feeling so tired lately, but I do not know if it is from the new chemo or still from the radiation. By this point, I suspect it is the chemo.

I can deal with being tired -- I just sleep and rest more. I've spent several days recently, just hanging out in bed. (...not very interesting blog posts, but what can you do...)

For the past few weeks, I have also had an increase in pain, particularly in my lower rib-cage.

My oncologist just gave me a referral for a full CT: head, neck, chest, hips and pelvis.

He wanted me to do it this week, but that is just too much for me. We have plans every day, and I just do not have the strength to spend a few hours in the hospital for a CT.

So, we compromised (read: he gave in) and I will have the CT after Succot.

(Note to well meaning family and friends: do NOT harass me about my decision. You will not change my mind and I will just get annoyed!!)

Meanwhile, for the past few days, I have been feeling some pressure (tightening) in my chest, around my sternum. It is probably just heartburn, but it is uncomfortable. I am going to check it out tomorrow.

This week, I only take the Lapatinib. It is my week off of Xeloda. I hoped to have a bit more energy (and appetite). We have a lot of fun things planned....



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

I Feel Like and Idiot

I am in a lot of pain, and it is all my fault.

For the last few months, I have only had to take pain killers sporadically.

However, for the last few days, I have had to take pain killers every evening. As long as I take the pain killers before the pain gets too bad, I am fine. Usually, that is not a problem. I really should just take them systematically, every evening, around six.

Tonight we had a simcha, the joint Bar and Bat Mitzvah celebration of our friends' children (a 12 year old sister and a 13 year old brother).

I usually take pain killers before, or at the beginning of, a simcha. Between the standing around, the sitting around, and the dancing, I have learned that if I do not take pain killers, I will suffer from pain.

Well, tonight I forgot to take pain killers as a precaution and, even though I felt the back pain begin, I also kept getting distracted and forgetting to take the pain killers during the event, even as the pain got worse.

By the time we were on our way home, I was in agony.

The pain was completely unnecessary and avoidable.

And that is why I feel like an idiot.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Tish'a B'Av (The 9th of Av)

Almost every year, for the past 14 years, I walked around the Old City on the night of Tisha B'Av.

(You can read last year's post about the walk here.)

(You can read last year's post about how wierd it is not to fast here.)

In all those years, I only missed the walk twice: the year my son was born and one other year (maybe the year my daughter was born?), when I was not up for the walk.

This year, I could not do the walk. As opposed to those other years, when I could not participate for positive reasons, this year I could not do the walk because I am just too tired and in too much pain.

Today was a full and busy day! I spent the early morning on Bar Mitzvah stuff, the late morning working with one of my angels to clean up my kitchen, and the afternoon at the Brit Milah of a friend (and former roommate).

I came home from the Brit and just wanted to take a nap, but there were other demands and not enough time.

Originally, I planned to go with my family, like we have done for the past few years, to hear our good friend, TS, read Eicha for us at the Tayelet, overlooking Har HaBayit. From there we would join up with the Women in Green, who organize and lead the walk around the walls.

For several days now, I wondered if I would be up for the walk; but I certainly expected to go hear my friend read Eicha.

Recently, thank God, I have not been suffering badly from pain. Some days, I do not take any pain killers at all; many other days, I only take them once or twice a day. However, this evening my back and ribs hurt me a lot, even after I took pain killers.

I realized that even sitting on a bench would be too painful for me. Instead of concentrating on the reading, I would be focused on the pain (and waiting for the reading to end so that I could get home and rest).

I worried how my kids would react to this change in events. My staying home would definitely be a break in "the normal order of things." But I had to admit that pushing myself beyond my limitations, "for the sake of my kids," would not be good for any of us.

I broke the news to my husband and kids, who were sad that I would not be joining them, but understood.

My sister offered to come over and read Eicha with me. We both felt that it would be more meaningful for us to read it together. I shared that information with my kids, and I think it made the situation more acceptable.

When my sister arrived, we had a real heart-to-heart. It was good to have that time (and the talk) with her. Then we got out a candle, turned off most of the lights, sat on a low couch, and read Eicha.

In the middle of our reading, my eldest returned home (they had finished reading Eicha already). My daughter has had a cramp in her leg for several days and she realized she that she would not be able to do the walk either. She went into the computer room and watched Home Game, a film about the destruction of Gush Katif. This particular film juxtaposes the expulsion with the local basketball playoffs -- it is a powerful and moving film.

I am really sad that I was not able to mark Tisha B'Av the way I wanted.

I do recognize that I made the right decisions.

But it is hard.

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May those of you who are fasting have a meaningful, and easy, fast.

May the Temple be rebuilt speedily and in our day!

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Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Medical Update -- Markers & Pain

My apologies for not providing this update sooner.

My markers are down!

Really down.

For months, my markers were on the rise. And they were climbing high! That, combined with a significant and steady increase in pain, was the main indicator that my previous chemo regimen was not working.

Almost as soon as I started on Taxol (in December), my markers started coming down.

About a month ago, they finally reentered the "normal" range.

The most recent tests indicated that they were still in the normal range, and even lower than the previous results.

This is great!

Regarding pain, things are a little less clear cut. At first, the Taxol seemed to have a substantial effect on my pain as well. For a brief period, I stopped taking pain killers regularly. The respite did not last long. Significantly, when I did need pain killers, I still needed to take both Optalgin and Algolysin.

These days, in addition to back and hip pain, I have pain in my lower rib cage, increased sensitivity in both shoulders, and pain in my neck.

Currently, I take pain medication 2-4 times a day. Occasionally, I need to augment the pain meds. Usually, half a Percocet is enough.

I still do not like taking drugs.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Pain Update

Bit more pain in the last few days.

Disappointing.

Back to trying to figure out when to take pills.

Watching the clock.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Less Pain

For the first time in six month, I am taking less pain killers than I was a week ago.

I find myself going for hours at a time with no medication. That hasn't happened for the longest time.

As of a week ago, I was taking two Optalgins and two Algolysins every four hours, and I could barely wait for the next dose. I knew that it would not be much longer before I had to move up to the next level in the world of pain killers (from Algolysin to Percocet).

When I need to take pain killers, I still need two Optalgins and one Algolysin, but even that is less than I was taking a week ago.

I have had only two doses of Taxol, so this is certainly not a definitive indication that the chemo is working.

Still, it is encouraging.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Today's Outrageous News

So, I contacted Roche and it is true -- they provide the fourth bottle for free.

Not only that, but if I purchase the Herceptin from Roche, it costs 10,895 NIS per bottle (saving 326.85 NIS per bottle).

BUT, this afternoon, Roche called and told me that the head of the pharmacy department at Sha'are Zedek will not allow Roche to supply the Herceptin without charging an additional fee.

The Roche representative informed me that this has been the policy at Sha’are Zedek for years, leaving me with two options: either purchase the Herceptin at the higher rate, or switch hospitals (other hospitals do not impose an extra fee on patients who are purchasing their medication privately).

Switching hospitals is obviously not an option.

Before I take any further action, I want to verify this outrageous allegation. If true, it is absolutely immoral.

Meanwhile, I am in a lot of pain and seriously tired.

I think the new chemo is catching up to me...



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Medical Update -- pain, markers, & mets

Remember the old days, when Mets was just a baseball team?

(not mine, of course. I'm a Yankees fan!)

Welcome to my world, where mets is slang for metastasis.

:-}

(my attempt at lightening things up a bit)


I feel a little bad that my posts have been a bit down lately. It's not so interesting to read, day after day, about pain, and feeling sad. It's not so great to be feeling that way either.

Oh well, welcome to my world. (staaaaam*, it's not that bad....)


So, here's what's new.

I asked my doctor how high the markers have to get before we really start to worry.

To my chagrin, he answered: "we're there already."

Between the increase in my markers and in my pain, he is concerned (and has been, for some time).

He's going to look over my CTs again.

From CT to CT, there is no apparent change in my bones. However, perhaps, over time, there might be some evidence of progression of disease. There do not appear to be new tumors. But it is possible that existing tumors have been growing very slowly. Because of the bone drug that I take, it is difficult to tell.

The problem is, if the cancer has been growing in my bones, how should this affect my treatment?

The cancer in my liver and lungs has responded WELL to treatment. As of now, there is no longer any evidence of disease in either my liver or lungs. That is amazing.

If we alter treatments, there are no guarantees.

Maybe another drug will be better for my bones. Maybe not. Maybe another drug will also be effective on my organs. Maybe not. There is no way of knowing in advance.

But we won't deal with this dilemma until we know the facts.

So, for now, I have to wait.

And, as we all know, the waiting is the hardest part. (dating myself with this link!)

"You take it on faith.

You take it to the heart.

The waiting is the hardest part."

(Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers - The Waiting, 1981)



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

* stam (loosely translates as "just kidding")

ANGER

Just when I thought I was coming out of my slump....

I don't seem to be overwhelmingly sad these days.

Nope.

I seem to be angry.

I am easily agitated.

I have no patience.

I can be in a good mood one minute, and ready to scream the next.

I am volatile and unpredictable.

I am bitter.

I hate being in pain.

I hate having to take drugs.

I hate having cancer.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA