Mad

On Friday, almost out of nowhere, I got really angry at my kids and started snapping at them.

Moshe gently questioned me, "Why are you yelling at the kids?"

All I could answer was, "I am mad."

I sat sulking for a few moments. 

Then, I pondered Moshe's query.  "Why am I so mad?"

I could not avoid the obvious explanation that I felt displaced anger.

If I am being completely honest, I have to admit that I am mad at God. 

I am mad that He gave me cancer.  I am mad that He made things worse (even though things will get better again, BE"H). I am mad that He is making me deal with cancer, now, before my daughter's Bat Mitzvah, when I have lots of other things to worry about....  I am mad.

I trust God.  I have not lost faith.  But I am mad at God.

Once I realized where my anger came from, I had to stop snapping at my kids.  Fair is fair; if I am mad at God and I want to yell, I should yell at God.  But I did not want to yell at God.

Instead, very politely, I explained to God just why I was so mad at Him.

I allowed myself to feel angry.

It is OK to get mad at God.  We do not have to like everything God does or agree with everything in His plan. 

I accept that God has His reasons.

I just don't like them, whatever they are.

I do not want to have cancer.

I want God to make the cancer go away!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

ANGER

Just when I thought I was coming out of my slump....

I don't seem to be overwhelmingly sad these days.

Nope.

I seem to be angry.

I am easily agitated.

I have no patience.

I can be in a good mood one minute, and ready to scream the next.

I am volatile and unpredictable.

I am bitter.

I hate being in pain.

I hate having to take drugs.

I hate having cancer.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA