As the Sun Breaks Through the Clouds.... (Medical/Emotional Update)

From the moment I discovered that my cancer spread to my brain, I felt surrounded by a dark fog.

I struggled not to get sucked into that black hole we call depression.

I did not want to slip into that world.

Yet, despite all the things I did (on my own, with my family, and with my friends), the fog would not clear.

Months after I finished treatment, I still felt that I was fighting my way out of that dark fog.

I worked so hard at maintaining a positive attitude.

So much of my energy was just sucked away.

I spent days in bed, accomplishing nothing.

Nights, I lay in bed; doom-and-gloomy thoughts, swimming behind my closed eyes.

For almost 10 months, I felt like I was treading water, barely managing to keep my head above water.

After a while, I wondered if I could shake this on my own. 

I filled a prescription for anti-anxiety pills.

I kept them the pills with my pain killers.

I never took them.

About two weeks ago, I noticed the clouds were clearing, and I could see the sun shining through.

Finally, I felt myself returning to that "good place."

I got out of bed. 

I started doing some of those things on my "to do" list. (you know, that awful list of things we have to do, but hate doing...)

I felt like I could be myself, without working so hard.

I felt good.

------------------------------------------------

Then, this past Thursday, Moshe was really sick (he's fine now).  Though he wanted to accompany me, coming to the hospital was not an option.

I went to the hospital on my own.  I met with my oncologist on my own.  I got "the news" on my own.

I responded very rationally.  (I think I might have been in shock)

In my calm, I recognized that I stood on a threshold;  I made a choice.

I did not want to go back to that dark place where I spent the last ten months.

I will not go back there.

It is not so easy.

I have two tumors on my brain that are growing and my markers have been rising slowly, but surely.  I have an appointment with the head of radiology tomorrow (Sunday) and I have a PET CT scheduled for Wednesday. 

I will know more tomorrow.  And I will know even more when we get the results of the PET scan (though I will probably have to wait another two weeks to get those results).

I do not really want to tell people, because I do not want anyone freaking out or feeling sorry for me.

On the other hand, I would not mind if people added a few extra prayers.

I have been talking a lot with God lately. 

I am counting on God to help me get through this.

I want to wake up every day and see the sun, shining bright!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

What Got Me Out of My Funk?

I was stuck.... for months. 

I just could not shake off that feeling of gloom and doom.

I had all sorts of good excuses reasons:  brain mets, radiation, exhaustion, Bar Mitzvah preparations, family leaves, summer ends, school starts, chagim, flu for weeks.... 

Whatever the reason, I was in a funk.

And I did not like it.

Then, I read about the Middle East Breast Cancer Conference banning Israelis -- well, that got my blood boiling.  After some research, I posted about how Susan G. Komen for the Cure continued to support the conference. (I still owe you all a follow up post...)  Then, when I cross-posted to my former group blog, I got censored! -- that got my blood boiling even more!  I started researching, writing and FIGHTING for my principals. 

Susan G. Komen for the Cure was purposefully misleading the public, and betraying our trust.  I spent hours researched the facts, so I could expose the truth. 

At the same time, women from my group blog, who I thought were my friends, treated me with such disregard and disrespect!  I was so hurt, and so angry.  At first, I tried to show them what they were doing, but their disdain obscured all logic.  No one rose to my defense.  And, when I left, only a few chose to continue their contact with me.  For almost two years, I had deluded myself into believing that these women cared and supported me.  I was furious about their deception, and my own naiveté.

I was fuming over these two injustices.

I had no time for self-pity, and no patience for anything else.

I was Don Quixote and I had my windmills to fight!

After a week or so, I had to put these issues aside.  I was still burning with righteous indignation, but I did not have time to succumb to my fury.

I was no longer feeling lethargic and apathetic.

I had things to do, and I was back on track!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Physical and Emotional Health -- What's the Connection?

Have you ever noticed that it is easier to be upbeat when you are feeling good?

Well, it took me a while to notice. (I never claimed to be quick!)

Actually, I noticed that my downward mood swings often coincided with my being sick.

As I got better, my mood would, inevitably, pick up.

Part of this cycle has to do with keeping busy. When I have energy, I am busy doing things. I do not have time to get bogged down by melancholy thoughts.

But when I am sick, and lying in bed... boy do those thoughts creep in!!

Once they start invading, they are like an avalanche. One thought leads to another until suddenly I am burried under all this... stuff.

Then I have to dig my way out, and there is not a lot of air.

Until the day comes, when the sun is shining and I am feeling good again.

All those heavy thoughts melt away, and I can get back to being myself again.

It can be difficult, especially when my mood is grey.

But I try to remember that the clouds will eventually part, and I might even see a rainbow along the way.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Just Awful - Medical Update

Sometimes I worry that I am whitewashing the cancer experience.

After all, I don't want to post every day how tired I feel, how my stomach is upset, how much I hate taking pills/going to the hospital/doing tests, etc. Yet these are feelings I have all the time.

It takes constant effort to keep my mood up and my attitude positive. That is so much harder to do when I am sick!

Yesterday, things reached an all-time low.

Two weeks ago, my oncologist wanted me to do a CT (head, neck, chest, abdomen and pelvis), to get a full picture (more or less) of how I am doing now.

I put it off a week, because I did not want to lose family time during Succot. Then, on the day of the CT, I felt too sick (with the flu) to get out of bed. I hoped I would feel better on Sunday (yesterday), and be able to go then.

Well, Sunday morning I was still sick and feeling lousy, but I knew that the radiologists review the CTs on Monday morning, so if I did not want to lose another week; I needed to go.

I had to fast for this CT (no food, but I could drink water until an hour before the test), so I fasted all morning, in the hopes that I could get an appointment that day. It took a bit of negotiating, but the secretary, who knows me by now (me being a "frequent flyer," and all that), managed to get me an appointment for 2:30.

On the way to the hospital, I joked with my friend that the reason they don't let you drink for that last hour is so that you will be so thirsty when you get there that you won't mind drinking the disgusting Barium solution required for abdominal scans.

Seriously, between the heat wave and the Xeloda (which makes me thirty all the time), by the time I got to the hospital, I was so desperate to drink, I was actually grateful for the liquid they gave me. Not for long. By the third cup, the drink was no longer the least bit appealing, even with the added lemon-aide syrup. By the sixth cup, I did not know how I would manage to drink any more!

In the past, I just drank each cup as fast as I could. (You have to drink two cups at the start, then one cup every 5-10 minutes, until you are finished with the pitcher)

I did not understand why it seemed so difficult for some people to finish the solution (besides the disgusting taste, which did not seem to bother others as much as me).

Well, with my current lack of appetite, I just did not know how I would manage to squeeze more liquid into my tummy.

I approached one of the assistant secretaries, to ask if it was really necessary for me to finish the entire solution. She checked, and was told that I should take my time....

It took half an hour to drink another two cups. I felt bloated and and nauseas.

I was miserable.

I wanted to cry.

I felt really, really sorry for myself.

I asked again. I know that once, in the past, they called me in when I still had some drink left.

Thankfully, they told me that I did not have to finish the last two cups and I would be called in soon.

The CT took all of five minutes.

I could not wait to get out of there.

The ride home was awful. I prayed that I would get home before I needed to either throw up or go to the bathroom.

When I got home, I went straight to bed. (do not pass GO, do not collect $200)

I felt so awful, I could not even fall asleep.

Poor me.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just so you know (and don't worry), I'm better now (though I still have the flu).



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Slump - or - Bumming Around Elul

I've been in a bit of a slump for a few days.

At first, I thought it must be caused by being so tired.

A good friend (you know who you are!) suggested it might be from the new drugs. The new drugs seem to make me very tired, so this reasoning works on both accounts!

Tonight, I realized their might be a more cosmic reason.

Tonight we went to the annual shiur (lecture), marking the yarzheit of our dear from Danny Frei, HY"D, who was murdered 14 years ago, on the 10th of Elul, by an Arab terrorist. (You can read a brief bio of Danny here. For some moving insights, written by our dear friend Mara, Danny's widow, who has been blessed to remarry and rebuild her life, see here)

As I listened to the lecture about the upcoming holidays and, particularly, about the High Holy Days, when God sits in judgement of us, it occured to me that there might be a deeper reason for my slump.

I suddenly remembered that last year, also during Elul, I also found myself in a slump.

I remember, because when I mentioned my unexplainable slump to a friend from Beit Natan (unfortunately, I do not remember who), she suggested that my slump might have to do with Elul, and all the introspection that Jews do at this time of year. She mentioned that many women have a difficult time during Elul.

At the time, I thought she was off target, but she suggested I see if the mood passed after the chagim. To my surprise, it did.

I never found an explanation for what caused my slump or what made it go away.

I forgot all about that incident, until now, when I find myself once again in a slump that has no apparent reason.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

"New Year's Resolutions" or "One Year Down, 78 to Go!"

I've been a little down lately. (you might have noticed)

After the third person said to me "it's that time of year..." (referring to Elul, the Jewish month of reflection and introspection), I decided to wait a month, and see what happens.

Meanwhile, I suspect, there is more to these feelings than that.

My mood reflects the change of season. The sky is darker, and I can already feel my winter head cold.... (it arrives in the fall, and checks out in the spring)

More significantly, I was diagnosed with cancer in the summer.

I am now marking one year since my diagnosis of metastasis. (and three years since my initial diagnosis)

For me, Rosh HaShanah does not simply signify the passing of a Jewish year. For me, Rosh HaShanah marks another year of survival.

I just survived my first year with metastatic cancer.

Since only 20% of women dianosed with metastatic cancer survive the first 5 years, I feel like these first years are the most significant.

I am 20%* along the road of successfully beating the odds. (as you know, I fully intend to beat the odds!)

Btw, my approach to these statistic is strongly influenced by Stephen Jay Gould's essay, The Median is Not the Message. (I highly recommend that you read his essay. Read it now. I'll wait...)

I used to say that "I intend on living 'till I'm 90," until a friend asked me why I was cutting myself short (referring to the Jewish tradition that our life span is 120 years). I accepted her tikun (correction), and now plan on living until 120! (hence the 78 more years to go...)

Meanwhile, though I do not live my life as if I am living on the edge, I have begun to think a bit more seriously about what I really want to accomplish.

Verbalizing my intentions, gives them more weight, more meaning.

It signifies a certain level of commitment.

Perhaps that is why, in the past, I have not made any lists.

So, here, for the first time, you have it: my new year's resolutions.

What I want to have achieved by next year:

1. clean/fix up my home (a bigger task than most of you imagine!)
2. spend more time with my kids (and my husband)
3. be more patient with my kids (and my husband)
4. manage my time better
5. host a women's Megillah reading in my home
6. lose 2-5 kilos (4½ - 11 pounds)
7. speak to groups about living with cancer


What I want to achieve in the next few years:

1. write a book
2. go to Disneyworld/Universal studios with my kids
3. visit Japan


None of us ever knows how long we will live. Anything can happen to any one of us, at any time.

Living in the shadow of death, puts things in a different perspective.

There are things that I want to do.

Silence.

The end of that sentence just hangs in the air.

So, let's bring it out in the open.

There are things I want to do before I die.

Not to worry, as far as I know, I'm not dying yet

(I'm not dead yet!)

So, next year, when I've beaten 40%* of the odds, we'll review this post, and evaluate just how successful I was at achieving this years goals.

Then, I will decide whether or not to make another list...


Wishing you all a K'tiva V'Chatima Tovah (you should be inscribed and sealed in the book of life) and a Shanah Tovah U'Mtukah (a good and sweet year).



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA


* I know these statistics don't work that way. But you get the idea....

ANGER

Just when I thought I was coming out of my slump....

I don't seem to be overwhelmingly sad these days.

Nope.

I seem to be angry.

I am easily agitated.

I have no patience.

I can be in a good mood one minute, and ready to scream the next.

I am volatile and unpredictable.

I am bitter.

I hate being in pain.

I hate having to take drugs.

I hate having cancer.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Ups and Downs -- Part II

My dear, wonderful, warm, caring, friends,

I love reading your insightful, and thoughtful comments. It's fun to see who is reading my blog, and who has what to say. Comments make me smile!

(here it comes.....)

BUT, though I recognize that those of you who recommended therapy as a response to my previous post, did so because you love and care about me..... YOU TOTALLY MISSED THE POINT of my post.

The post was about mood swings. About the ups and downs of living with illness (in my case, cancer).

It is totally normal to have ups and downs.

I am not debating the benefits of therapy.

If I want/need therapy, I will get it.

I am surrounded by people (to begin with, my husband, and my oncologist) who will let me know if/when it is time to seek outside help.

I know therapy is available if I want it.

I appreciate all your comments and emails, I really do.

BUT, I really felt bombarded by so many suggestions that I go for therapy.

I am sure that I can benefit from therapy.

I have LOTS of issues. (I had most of them before I got cancer)

BUT, my TIME is LIMITED. I cannot do everything.

Right now, unless I need it, I don't want to spend an hour a week in therapy, plus travel time.

There are other things I would rather do with my time.

If I only wrote about how great I feel, and how great life is (and life is great), then this would not be an accurate portrayal of what it is like to live with cancer. Because, friends, cancer SUCKS. And, no matter how great my attitude is, cancer still sucks.

And no amount of therapy is going to change that.

And no amount of therapy is going to make the cancer go away.

And that's why, even with the best therapy in the whole wide world, I will still have mood swings.

Because, quite honestly, it is not easy living with cancer.
(Even though I'm doing great, thank God, thanks to all of your prayers, and happy, healing thoughts)

I wish the cancer would just go away.

I really do.

But, I live in the real world. And, for now, my cancer is a permanent, chronic, condition.

I can live with that.

For someone living with cancer, I am proud to say that I have a damn good attitude. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I have an exceptional attitude.

So, do me a favor. If you think I need therapy, then, please, give me, or my husband, a call. Tell us that you are worried, and why.

If not, please don't tell me I should go to therapy, just because sometimes I'm sad that I have cancer.

I am not depressed. I am not in denial.

I have cancer.

Sometimes that makes me feel sad.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA