As the Sun Breaks Through the Clouds.... (Medical/Emotional Update)

From the moment I discovered that my cancer spread to my brain, I felt surrounded by a dark fog.

I struggled not to get sucked into that black hole we call depression.

I did not want to slip into that world.

Yet, despite all the things I did (on my own, with my family, and with my friends), the fog would not clear.

Months after I finished treatment, I still felt that I was fighting my way out of that dark fog.

I worked so hard at maintaining a positive attitude.

So much of my energy was just sucked away.

I spent days in bed, accomplishing nothing.

Nights, I lay in bed; doom-and-gloomy thoughts, swimming behind my closed eyes.

For almost 10 months, I felt like I was treading water, barely managing to keep my head above water.

After a while, I wondered if I could shake this on my own. 

I filled a prescription for anti-anxiety pills.

I kept them the pills with my pain killers.

I never took them.

About two weeks ago, I noticed the clouds were clearing, and I could see the sun shining through.

Finally, I felt myself returning to that "good place."

I got out of bed. 

I started doing some of those things on my "to do" list. (you know, that awful list of things we have to do, but hate doing...)

I felt like I could be myself, without working so hard.

I felt good.

------------------------------------------------

Then, this past Thursday, Moshe was really sick (he's fine now).  Though he wanted to accompany me, coming to the hospital was not an option.

I went to the hospital on my own.  I met with my oncologist on my own.  I got "the news" on my own.

I responded very rationally.  (I think I might have been in shock)

In my calm, I recognized that I stood on a threshold;  I made a choice.

I did not want to go back to that dark place where I spent the last ten months.

I will not go back there.

It is not so easy.

I have two tumors on my brain that are growing and my markers have been rising slowly, but surely.  I have an appointment with the head of radiology tomorrow (Sunday) and I have a PET CT scheduled for Wednesday. 

I will know more tomorrow.  And I will know even more when we get the results of the PET scan (though I will probably have to wait another two weeks to get those results).

I do not really want to tell people, because I do not want anyone freaking out or feeling sorry for me.

On the other hand, I would not mind if people added a few extra prayers.

I have been talking a lot with God lately. 

I am counting on God to help me get through this.

I want to wake up every day and see the sun, shining bright!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

So Tired

Lately, I have been sacrificing my sleep, in order to spend time with my kids.

Often, the time is spent on fun things, like playing games or watching movies.

Other times, I spend the time talking with my kids, about whatever they want.

Recently, I have been spending a lot of time trying to help my kids with some specific issues.  These conversations drain my strenth, physically and emotionally.

I know that my time is well spent.

I know that my priorities are in order, and this is what I need to be doing right now.

I just wish I had more energy.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Ups and Downs -- Part II

My dear, wonderful, warm, caring, friends,

I love reading your insightful, and thoughtful comments. It's fun to see who is reading my blog, and who has what to say. Comments make me smile!

(here it comes.....)

BUT, though I recognize that those of you who recommended therapy as a response to my previous post, did so because you love and care about me..... YOU TOTALLY MISSED THE POINT of my post.

The post was about mood swings. About the ups and downs of living with illness (in my case, cancer).

It is totally normal to have ups and downs.

I am not debating the benefits of therapy.

If I want/need therapy, I will get it.

I am surrounded by people (to begin with, my husband, and my oncologist) who will let me know if/when it is time to seek outside help.

I know therapy is available if I want it.

I appreciate all your comments and emails, I really do.

BUT, I really felt bombarded by so many suggestions that I go for therapy.

I am sure that I can benefit from therapy.

I have LOTS of issues. (I had most of them before I got cancer)

BUT, my TIME is LIMITED. I cannot do everything.

Right now, unless I need it, I don't want to spend an hour a week in therapy, plus travel time.

There are other things I would rather do with my time.

If I only wrote about how great I feel, and how great life is (and life is great), then this would not be an accurate portrayal of what it is like to live with cancer. Because, friends, cancer SUCKS. And, no matter how great my attitude is, cancer still sucks.

And no amount of therapy is going to change that.

And no amount of therapy is going to make the cancer go away.

And that's why, even with the best therapy in the whole wide world, I will still have mood swings.

Because, quite honestly, it is not easy living with cancer.
(Even though I'm doing great, thank God, thanks to all of your prayers, and happy, healing thoughts)

I wish the cancer would just go away.

I really do.

But, I live in the real world. And, for now, my cancer is a permanent, chronic, condition.

I can live with that.

For someone living with cancer, I am proud to say that I have a damn good attitude. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I have an exceptional attitude.

So, do me a favor. If you think I need therapy, then, please, give me, or my husband, a call. Tell us that you are worried, and why.

If not, please don't tell me I should go to therapy, just because sometimes I'm sad that I have cancer.

I am not depressed. I am not in denial.

I have cancer.

Sometimes that makes me feel sad.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Emotional Update: August 2007

So, from phone calls and emails, I learned what I left out of the last email. I thought I covered everything, but apparently I didn't.

So, let's go back a few weeks…..

The toughest part was the first week, when I got the diagnosis. I cried a lot that week.
Then there were the two weeks of anxiety, while awaiting test results.

Once I got all the test results, I felt a lot calmer. And now that I'm know my treatment
program, I feel pretty good.

I go in once a week for treatments. The chemo day is basically a wash up. I spend anywhere from 1-6 hours at the hospital. Then I come home and need to rest. The day after chemo, I'm also pretty tired. After that, every day is better than the last. I'm still tired at night. I can't stay up 'till two in the morning these days. But going to sleep at 10:30, like the rest of the world, isn't so bad. I can live with that. :-}

My mood is pretty good most of the time.
I've started teaching swimming again. That, as you know, makes me feel great! It's good to be doing something that I am good at and that has tangible results. I always say that with parenting it will take at least 20 years to know if I did a decent job; with swimming the progress is quantifiable!

The chemo itself is not so bad. Moshe takes me in and keeps me company while everything gets set up. I have to check in, get the port opened up and get some blood tests. Then we wait around for about an hour, until we get the test results. Then I get the chemo, which can take anywhere from 1/2 an hour to 4 hours, depending on which drugs I am getting, Then I can go home.
Most of the time I'm there, I'm just sitting around. So each time a different friend has met me there. Then I send Moshe off to work and hang out with my friend for the rest of the time! No kids, no phones, no distractions…. Just hanging out! It's like going out for coffee… without the coffee (and the décor is a little lacking) ;-)

Still, it's not a bad morning.

The "bad stuff" doesn't start until later. Actually, the drugs are not so bad. I didn't realize how "not so bad" they are until this week, when I got the chemo for strengthening my bones. That drug made me feel really sick, like I had the flu. I had fever, and all my joints ached, and I couldn't sleep. Yuch! Thank God I only get that drug once a month!

So, I will admit that I do feel quite sorry for myself when I was feeling so sick. And it is certainly frustrating to me to be so tired. But most of the time I am really OK. I plan to live to 120 and have a good time getting there.

Meanwhile, I have to learn to find the balance between what I want to do and what I can do. I never like to miss anything. But I can't do everything. OK.

I can live with that.

With love and optimism,
RivkA