"So, kiddo, how are you doing?" asked my oncologist, as he opened my files (the one on his desk and the one on his computer).
"Well," I began, "my mood has been swinging up and down...."
"You get depressed?" he asked, with a puzzled look.
"Yeah, she does," confirmed Moshe.
"'cause I don't see it..." continued my oncologist.
Even in the chemo ward, my mood is usually upbeat -- probably because every week a different friend comes to hang out and I just enjoy the company so much!
"What are you feeling?" he asked, looking at me seriously.
"I'm having a hard time with the "long term" thing," I explained (not for the first time). "I just wish I could look forward to a time when it will be over."
"Do you want to see someone?" he asked (also not for the first time).
The thing is, I am not clinically depressed. I get out of bed in the morning. I am active. I have a strong support network: family, friends, my support group, and my blog.
What more would I get from therapy? I asked. There is no clinical indication that I need a psychologist. It all depends on how I feel.
Overall, I feel I am handling things pretty well. Both my husband and my oncologist agree.
But I still have mood swings. I still wish it would all just go away.
Someone once told me that all the cancer stuff would eventually fade into the background, like white noise from the radio.
I hope that is true.
Meanwhile, I hear the radio blaring and I really wish someone would change the channel.
Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.
With love and optimism,
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