During my mother's most recent visit, my mother could not help but notice how little I was eating.
Being a mom, she immediately expressed her concern about the possibility that my being so tired might be connected to malnutrition.
My husband has had the same concern for several months now.
I blew them both off, joking about all the weight I can afford to lose.
But I do not have as much to lose as before. I can easily drop another 5 kilo, and even another 10, but not more than that. It will not be long before I must eat more calories.
Of course, there is the very real question about whether or not I am suffering from malnutrition and whether or not I should be supplementing my diet. I recognize that I probably should be supplementing somehow.
Yet, I have consistently refused to take anything.
I know that my reaction to the idea of taking Ensure is irrational. I cannot help it. Ensure, in my mind, is for sick people who are dying. I cannot bear the idea of swallowing it. I am not sick. I am fine.
Except that I am not fine. I am tired and weak... all the time.
I barely have enough energy to do the bare minimum.
I know that I need more nutrition.
When Taube passed away, her husband offered me her leftover nutritional supplements, various powders to add to food/drink. Reluctantly, I accepted his offer, knowing that, in the not-so-distant future, I would need to supplement my diet.
I always joked that "when I get down to my 'ideal' weight, I will just eat ice cream all day!" Yesterday, a friend took me out for ice cream and I could barely manage to eat anything. The ice cream was too rich and too sweet. I know that ice cream is insufficient nutritionally, but it has protein, calcium and fat. Most important, I like the way it tastes and can always eat it. Until now. Suddenly, even eating ice cream is hard for me. I did share frozen yoghurt blended with fruit, but I could not eat nearly what I used to eat.
For a few days, I was eating more and feeling optimistic that I might be heading in the right direction. But I find myself even less interested in food now than before.
Today, I finally succumbed and took out a packet to make a "milkshake." The "shake" was too sweet, and not to my liking, but I forced myself to drink the whole thing.
I know that one supplemental shake will not affect me significantly, but I really hope I will feel some change in my energy level.
Between the heat, my pain, and general exhaustion, I do not want to move!!
And I expect to take my kids on a 3 day camping trip?! You bet I do!
Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.
With love and optimism,