From the moment I discovered that my cancer spread to my brain, I felt surrounded by a dark fog.
I struggled not to get sucked into that black hole we call depression.
I did not want to slip into that world.
Yet, despite all the things I did (on my own, with my family, and with my friends), the fog would not clear.
Months after I finished treatment, I still felt that I was fighting my way out of that dark fog.
I worked so hard at maintaining a positive attitude.
So much of my energy was just sucked away.
I spent days in bed, accomplishing nothing.
Nights, I lay in bed; doom-and-gloomy thoughts, swimming behind my closed eyes.
For almost 10 months, I felt like I was treading water, barely managing to keep my head above water.
After a while, I wondered if I could shake this on my own.
I filled a prescription for anti-anxiety pills.
I kept them the pills with my pain killers.
I never took them.
About two weeks ago, I noticed the clouds were clearing, and I could see the sun shining through.
Finally, I felt myself returning to that "good place."
I got out of bed.
I started doing some of those things on my "to do" list. (you know, that awful list of things we have to do, but hate doing...)
I felt like I could be myself, without working so hard.
I felt good.
Then, this past Thursday, Moshe was really sick (he's fine now). Though he wanted to accompany me, coming to the hospital was not an option.
I went to the hospital on my own. I met with my oncologist on my own. I got "the news" on my own.
I responded very rationally. (I think I might have been in shock)
In my calm, I recognized that I stood on a threshold; I made a choice.
I did not want to go back to that dark place where I spent the last ten months.
I will not go back there.
It is not so easy.
I have two tumors on my brain that are growing and my markers have been rising slowly, but surely. I have an appointment with the head of radiology tomorrow (Sunday) and I have a PET CT scheduled for Wednesday.
I will know more tomorrow. And I will know even more when we get the results of the PET scan (though I will probably have to wait another two weeks to get those results).
I do not really want to tell people, because I do not want anyone freaking out or feeling sorry for me.
On the other hand, I would not mind if people added a few extra prayers.
I have been talking a lot with God lately.
I am counting on God to help me get through this.
I want to wake up every day and see the sun, shining bright!
Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.
With love and optimism,
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