From the moment I discovered that my cancer spread to my brain, I felt surrounded by a dark fog.
I struggled not to get sucked into that black hole we call depression.
I did not want to slip into that world.
Yet, despite all the things I did (on my own, with my family, and with my friends), the fog would not clear.
Months after I finished treatment, I still felt that I was fighting my way out of that dark fog.
I worked so hard at maintaining a positive attitude.
So much of my energy was just sucked away.
I spent days in bed, accomplishing nothing.
Nights, I lay in bed; doom-and-gloomy thoughts, swimming behind my closed eyes.
For almost 10 months, I felt like I was treading water, barely managing to keep my head above water.
After a while, I wondered if I could shake this on my own.
I filled a prescription for anti-anxiety pills.
I kept them the pills with my pain killers.
I never took them.
About two weeks ago, I noticed the clouds were clearing, and I could see the sun shining through.
Finally, I felt myself returning to that "good place."
I got out of bed.
I started doing some of those things on my "to do" list. (you know, that awful list of things we have to do, but hate doing...)
I felt like I could be myself, without working so hard.
I felt good.
Then, this past Thursday, Moshe was really sick (he's fine now). Though he wanted to accompany me, coming to the hospital was not an option.
I went to the hospital on my own. I met with my oncologist on my own. I got "the news" on my own.
I responded very rationally. (I think I might have been in shock)
In my calm, I recognized that I stood on a threshold; I made a choice.
I did not want to go back to that dark place where I spent the last ten months.
I will not go back there.
It is not so easy.
I have two tumors on my brain that are growing and my markers have been rising slowly, but surely. I have an appointment with the head of radiology tomorrow (Sunday) and I have a PET CT scheduled for Wednesday.
I will know more tomorrow. And I will know even more when we get the results of the PET scan (though I will probably have to wait another two weeks to get those results).
I do not really want to tell people, because I do not want anyone freaking out or feeling sorry for me.
On the other hand, I would not mind if people added a few extra prayers.
I have been talking a lot with God lately.
I am counting on God to help me get through this.
I want to wake up every day and see the sun, shining bright!
Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.
With love and optimism,
Baile Rochel Going "Modern"
6 hours ago