"Losing It" or "Do You Love Me Enough to Drive Me in the Morning?"

Today, for the second time since I started the new chemo regimen, I was scheduled to receive both Herceptin and Taxol and the bone drugs. The last two weeks, I only got Taxol, and I finished really late both times. I did not want to come twice to the hospital, like I did the first time I got both treatments (and I did not need to get the bone drugs then).

So I told everyone (my doctor, the nurses, the research staff) how important it was for me to get both treatments today, so that I would not have to come in a second day during Chanukah. My kids are home from school and I want the time with them!

Everyone helped. I can't begin to list all the people who went above and beyond the "call of duty" to make it work.

I arrived at 8:40 (early for me), and I finished chemo around 4:40. Most of the staff left by 3:00 (it is Chanukah, after all). Even the nurse who was on duty until the end was patient and pleasant.

I got home after 5:00 and I was exhausted! (Also still a little woozy from the antihistamine) I wanted to eat a bit, light candles and go to sleep. Ha!

My eldest daughter wanted my help; so I dropped everything to help her. What I thought would take just a few minutes of problem solving, revealed a much greater problem (which she had created during a "teenage moment" yesterday). Though I was still upset with her about that particular "teenage moment," I tried to help solve the current crises. However, in the middle, as I was asking for her help to solve her problem, she had another "teenage moment." I had already solved the major problem and was now working on the original, relatively minor, problem (she really wanted a ride in the morning, at 7:00).

At first, I handled myself well. I stopped what I was doing and calmly told her that she behaved inappropriately to me and I would no longer be helping her to solve this particular problem (it's not like there was no way for her to get where she needed to go; she could take a bus).

Had I stopped there, she would have been upset, but I would have done the right thing.

Unfortunately, my kids know how to "suck me in!" Within seconds, I was dealing with a whiny and demanding child.

That is when I lost it.

Boy, did I yell at her! All my frustrations about yesterday's incident, combined with today's incident, combined with the fact that I was exhausted and still taking care of her even when she deserved to learn her lesson the hard way, and I was just fed up with her attitude!

My friend, who was in the other room, heard me shouting and high tailed it out of there! Oops.
Well, now she knows I'm human, and yell at my kids sometimes. (I know it might be hard to believe, especially for all you perfect parents out there, but I can be pretty scary when I am a raging lunatic mom)

I tried to regain my composure and talk reasonably with my daughter, but everything that came out of her mouth just agitated me further! Finally, Moshe came out and sent her to her room.

Later, much later, he went in to talk with her.

Then she came out to talk with me.

We were both much calmer and had a really productive conversation. Every time my daughter slipped into "teenage mode," I miraculously managed to maintain my poise and refocus her attention on the main issues at hand.

When we finished, she went off to do the things she had to do. I promised her that when she was done, we could spend a few moments together.

When she came back, she was affectionate, but still a little irritating. Eventually, I got her to smile and even to laugh.

"Why won't you drive me in the morning?" She asked, for the umpteenth time, looking up at me with her puppy eyes.

"Because I do not love you enough," I answered, exasperated.

"Can you love me more," she implored.

"I already do," I answered, kissing her on her forehead.

Y: "A hundred times?"

Me: "A million times"

Y: "A googol?"

Me: "A googol of googols."

Y: "Enough to take me in the morning?"

Me: "No."

Y: "Can you love me more?"

Me: "Yes."

Y: "A lot more?"

Me: "To the moon and back!"

Y: "Enough to take me in the morning?"

Me: "No."


Suddenly Moshe's voice interrupted us: "Doesn't she have to get up in the morning?"

I looked at Y with "that look" that said "you are getting me in trouble with your Abba again!" Then I mouthed to her "get into bed" and called back to him: "she's already in bed."

"No I'm not" she called back, laughing, as she ran to her room.

Then she stopped, turned to me and asked “Will you sing to me?”

I was so tired. But, how could I say "no?" We had had two very bad fights in as many days, and now she was asking me to sing to her, something I have not done for a very long time.

I got up and accompanied her to her room. Then she crawled under the covers and stuck her hand out, for me to hold.

As I sang to her, she closed her eyes and smiled that peaceful, beautiful smiling of sleeping children.

When I finished, we hugged each other.

"I love you," she said quietly.

"I love you so much," I whispered back.

Then, just before I walked out the door, I paused. "No," I answered the unasked question one final time.

"What...?" she started to ask.... then.... "Oh....."

She giggled.

"I love you, mommy."

"I love you too sweetheart."





Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Not Normal

I stood on my feet for almost three hours today.

I had a table selling Tupperware at the Horev Hanukah Fair.

Had I been "normal," I would have stood the entire time. But my back hurt. So I sat down.

It might not have been so great for business, but a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do.

Still, mostly I stood.

I pretended to be normal, like all the other vendors.

I smiled all the time, and displayed my wares to anyone who stopped long enough to look and listen.

I chatted with friends, and caught up with acquaintances.

I greeted several children who were/are my swimming students.

I gently asked the many curious children with their cotton candy and their sufganiot (jelly donuts) to "please be carefull" not to touch things with their sticky fingers.

The atmosphere are the fair was really nice. I met up with lots of friends.

The guy at the table next to me was very friendly, and had a great smile. He looked so familiar, but I did not recognize his name. I discovered that he is the brother of a friend of mine. No wonder he looked so familiar.... they have the same smile!

When the fair finally over, I packed up my things....slowly....

Somehow, I always seem to be slower at packing up than everyone else.

My friend's brother offered his assistance. There was nothing he could do to help me pack, but I jumped at the opportunity to recruit his help in bringing my things back to my car.

While he was waiting for me to finish packing my last bits, I joked about how slow I am.

"I have a good excuse," I blurted, without thinking.... "chemotherapy."

Blank stare.

"Why?" He blurts back, not thinking any more than I did.

Duh.

"Because I have cancer."

Even as we were having this surrealistic conversation, I wondered why I did it. Why spoil the illusion that everything is normal?

Working these fairs is fun, but it is hard work, even when you are normal.

I am not normal.

At the end of the day, I was REALLY tired, and more than a little proud that I had managed to pull it off.

I guess I wanted the recognition.

I wanted someone to say, "Wow, I never would have guessed!"

I wanted someone to know that it was hard for me, and I did it anyway.

I am glad I did it.

I had fun.

I felt.... almost.... normal.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Proud Parenting Moments -- Chanukah Challenges

It is the first night of Chanukah, and we could not find even five minutes with all the kids home at once.

Is there a way to slow them down once they hit adolescence???

MD did not get home from Ofek (afternoon program for gifted kids) until after 7:30.

A left for gymnastics at 7:00, and came home at 8:30.

Y left for gymnastics at 6:00, breezed back in at 7:15, and then out at 7:30 to go to her high school Chanukah party. After the party, she and all the other girls in her class are going to one of her friend's for a sleepover party. It is good to be young!!!


PROUD PARENTING MOMENTS:

1. Over the past few weeks, Y asked me repeatedly to call about "madatzim" ("madrichim ze'irim" - young leaders) and help her figure out which group she will be in this year. I kept forgetting, and tonight she got upset because it was "too late" for her to attend the Chanukah seminar. I apologized and told her I would call right now. Convinced she would not be able to go, she declared that she "did not want to go anymore, anyway!" Despite her protests, and because of more than a little guilt, I called the person in charge. Thankfully, I worked everything out for her. You should have seen her smile!!! Forgiving everything, she told me: "You're the best!!!" and gave me a giant hug. Sometimes it is nice to work miracles.....

2. Y was eager to get to her school on time for the party. As soon as she finished teaching gymnastics, she rushed home, missing her own workout. She got everything together in a flash and was ready to zip out the door. I could see that she was stressed, and offered to wait for the bus with her. Without thinking of herself, she responded "But you'll be cold." I asked her if she wanted me to wait with her. "I don't want to be selfish," she responded, not answering my question. "Do you want me to wait with you?" I asked her again, several times, before she admitted that she would really like that. So together, we left the house and I waited with her until the bus came. Then, as she was about to get on the bus, she realized that she left her wallet at home. Crushed, she watched the bus pull away.

3. The next bus was in another 15-20 minutes. Y found her wallet and then did not know what to do with herself. She was hungry and anxious. She would have just grabbed something junky, but I helped her find something nutritious to eat. Then, again, I offered to wait with her for the next bus. This time, she immediately asked for my company. As we were waiting for the bus, I could tell she was frustrated. I held her hand, and listened. Had she known that she would be leaving this late, she would have stayed for her workout at gymnastics. It was hard to find the "right" things to say. I wavered between empathizing, making jokes, and just reassuring her that everything would work out all right. Finally, the bus came. She flashed me a shy smile as she got on the bus. "You're the best, Ima."





Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Pain Update

Bit more pain in the last few days.

Disappointing.

Back to trying to figure out when to take pills.

Watching the clock.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Shabbat

Shabbat dinner was over by 7:30; by 8:00, we were all in bed!!

Moshe was sick.

I was tired.

Y was beyond tired, having stayed up all night on Thursday night with her youth group.

MD didn't feel well either, and easily went to sleep early.

A would have happily curled up on the couch and gone to sleep there. But, these days, we prefer the kids sleep in their beds. I invited A to cuddle with me. She jumped at the chance, and willingly went to sleep in her own bed after that. She tries so hard to keep up with the big kids, but she is still a "little girl" in many ways.

You might think that with everyone going to sleep so early, we would get up early in the morning.

You would be wrong.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Chemo's Catching Up

I am SOOOO TIRED!!!

OK, it's true. I had a few late nights and my sleep cycle was a bit messed up. But that's not it.

And I am not sick either.

I think the chemo has finally caught up to me. (I tried to keep ahead of it....)

Thursday morning, I slept in.

When I finally did wake up, I still felt soooooo tired.

Physically, I could not get moving. I felt like I was moving in slow motion.

Even more disturbing, I could not think clearly. My brain felt like it was under water.

Today was not much better.

I have no patience.

I have no energy.

I just want to sleep.

Thank God, Shabbat is coming.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Girl's Night Out

For months now, friends of mine have been inviting me to come out to a movie or to some sort of "girl's night out."

I have either been too busy or too tired!

Tonight, we finally got together for a "girl's night in!"

My friend, RD, who lives a few doors down from me, picked me up and we drove to LM's home. (These days, I rarely go anywhere at night unless I can get a ride)

LM made an awesome dessert: Banana's Foster (she made a really simple recipe: in a saute pan, melt a bit of butter, then added brown sugar and stir. When sugar is dissolved, add Baccardi rum and sliced bananas and heat for several minutes, until the bananas puff up. Spoon the hot sauce and bananas over Ben & Jerry's vanilla ice cream) YUMMMM.

Then we had tea and popcorn while we watched Intolerable Cruelty, a parody about divorce lawyers. It was a silly, and fun, romantic comedy with a twist, and we all laughed a lot. Just what the doctor ordered!

Afterwards, we hung around, chatting about kids, schools and life in general.

I came home later than expected, but feeling really good.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA