Priorities

I just got home from chemo when my mobile phone rang....

"Ima, would you like to spend some time with me?" my daughter asked so sweetly.

Is she kidding?!?

"Of course!" I responded enthusiastically.

"Are you doing anything important?" she asked thoughtfully.

What could be more important than spending time with my daughter?!?

"I'll change my plans! I would love to spend time with you," I assured her.

"Great!" she replied, "'cause there are all these great sales in town...."

My face fell.

"I can't go shopping today," I reticently told my daughter, reminding her, "I had chemo today; I am just too tired..."

I was not surprised when she chose to call a friend and go without me. She met up with MM, a good friend of hers from elementary school. They had a great time together. I was happy for them both.

Later in the evening, when I asked her to help me with something that her brother usually does, she was resentful. I explained that he can't do it this time and that either she will do it or I will have to do it. She continued to complain and express her resentment in a not-so-positive way.

I suggested we could be spending time together. She was not interested. I pointed out that she was spending more time complaining than doing the task! She would not stop. I demanded that she stop. She did not listen. She was angry. She made a nasty comment about my not wanting to spend time with her, earlier in the day. She told me that I chose not to spend time with her!

Now I was angry.

It is one thing for her to tantalize me with the prospect of spending time together. But for her to choose to go to town rather than spending time with me, and then accuse me of not wanting to spend time with her?!? That was outrageous!!

She even had the audacity to imply that I chose not to go. As if I chemotherapy were some fun activity that I chose to do and now I was inexplicably too tired and therefore choosing not to spend time with her.

I could not believe my ears!

Did I choose to have cancer? Did I choose to have chemotherapy? Did I choose to be tired all the time!!

"It doesn't make sense," she complained, "you don't seem tired when you are with other people. You are only tired when you are home!"

Hello?!?

"Yes," I explained, "when I am too tired, I do not go out; I stay home. The only people who see me when I am so tired are the people who live in my home."

"It is not fair," I continued, "It is not fair that I have cancer. It is not fair that I have chemotherapy. It is not fair that I am too tired to go shopping with you."

"But Ima," she said, looking up at me, "you don't really enjoy shopping."

"True," I admitted, "but if I had the choice between spending the morning in chemotherapy or spending the afternoon shopping with you, which do you think I would choose?"



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Purim Mania Has To Wait

The kids chose tonight to ask me for help making their costumes.

Why tonight?? (Please don't tell me because Purim is next week.... I know)

I was so tired. And grumpy.

And yet, I love helping my kids get ready for Purim. And they were being so creative and doing so much on their own.

But, then I had enough. And I wanted to stop. And I wanted to go to bed.

But I could not go to bed until they were ready for bed.

And I got grumpy. And aggitated. And annoyed.

And I told them to get ready for bed.

And they still kept coming for more help.

Why?

It was past their bed time. I told them during dinner that I was tired and needed to go to bed.

Why didn't I say "not tonight" when they started asking for help?

Why did I keep helping them until it was just too much and I lost my patience?



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Chemo Day is moving to Thursday

I hope this works out.

For now, I am moving all my swimming classes to Monday. I think everyone can do it.

The big question is whether or not my son can do it.

He has sayarut (scouts) on Mondays. The madricha (counselor) cannot switch days, but she did agree to meet earlier. The logistics are tight, but he should be able to get to swimming on time for lessons.

It will be a bit stressful, until I am certain that everything is working out.

Meanwhile, I made the appointments....

So, want to make a date?



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

"Losing It" or "Do You Love Me Enough to Drive Me in the Morning?"

Today, for the second time since I started the new chemo regimen, I was scheduled to receive both Herceptin and Taxol and the bone drugs. The last two weeks, I only got Taxol, and I finished really late both times. I did not want to come twice to the hospital, like I did the first time I got both treatments (and I did not need to get the bone drugs then).

So I told everyone (my doctor, the nurses, the research staff) how important it was for me to get both treatments today, so that I would not have to come in a second day during Chanukah. My kids are home from school and I want the time with them!

Everyone helped. I can't begin to list all the people who went above and beyond the "call of duty" to make it work.

I arrived at 8:40 (early for me), and I finished chemo around 4:40. Most of the staff left by 3:00 (it is Chanukah, after all). Even the nurse who was on duty until the end was patient and pleasant.

I got home after 5:00 and I was exhausted! (Also still a little woozy from the antihistamine) I wanted to eat a bit, light candles and go to sleep. Ha!

My eldest daughter wanted my help; so I dropped everything to help her. What I thought would take just a few minutes of problem solving, revealed a much greater problem (which she had created during a "teenage moment" yesterday). Though I was still upset with her about that particular "teenage moment," I tried to help solve the current crises. However, in the middle, as I was asking for her help to solve her problem, she had another "teenage moment." I had already solved the major problem and was now working on the original, relatively minor, problem (she really wanted a ride in the morning, at 7:00).

At first, I handled myself well. I stopped what I was doing and calmly told her that she behaved inappropriately to me and I would no longer be helping her to solve this particular problem (it's not like there was no way for her to get where she needed to go; she could take a bus).

Had I stopped there, she would have been upset, but I would have done the right thing.

Unfortunately, my kids know how to "suck me in!" Within seconds, I was dealing with a whiny and demanding child.

That is when I lost it.

Boy, did I yell at her! All my frustrations about yesterday's incident, combined with today's incident, combined with the fact that I was exhausted and still taking care of her even when she deserved to learn her lesson the hard way, and I was just fed up with her attitude!

My friend, who was in the other room, heard me shouting and high tailed it out of there! Oops.
Well, now she knows I'm human, and yell at my kids sometimes. (I know it might be hard to believe, especially for all you perfect parents out there, but I can be pretty scary when I am a raging lunatic mom)

I tried to regain my composure and talk reasonably with my daughter, but everything that came out of her mouth just agitated me further! Finally, Moshe came out and sent her to her room.

Later, much later, he went in to talk with her.

Then she came out to talk with me.

We were both much calmer and had a really productive conversation. Every time my daughter slipped into "teenage mode," I miraculously managed to maintain my poise and refocus her attention on the main issues at hand.

When we finished, she went off to do the things she had to do. I promised her that when she was done, we could spend a few moments together.

When she came back, she was affectionate, but still a little irritating. Eventually, I got her to smile and even to laugh.

"Why won't you drive me in the morning?" She asked, for the umpteenth time, looking up at me with her puppy eyes.

"Because I do not love you enough," I answered, exasperated.

"Can you love me more," she implored.

"I already do," I answered, kissing her on her forehead.

Y: "A hundred times?"

Me: "A million times"

Y: "A googol?"

Me: "A googol of googols."

Y: "Enough to take me in the morning?"

Me: "No."

Y: "Can you love me more?"

Me: "Yes."

Y: "A lot more?"

Me: "To the moon and back!"

Y: "Enough to take me in the morning?"

Me: "No."


Suddenly Moshe's voice interrupted us: "Doesn't she have to get up in the morning?"

I looked at Y with "that look" that said "you are getting me in trouble with your Abba again!" Then I mouthed to her "get into bed" and called back to him: "she's already in bed."

"No I'm not" she called back, laughing, as she ran to her room.

Then she stopped, turned to me and asked “Will you sing to me?”

I was so tired. But, how could I say "no?" We had had two very bad fights in as many days, and now she was asking me to sing to her, something I have not done for a very long time.

I got up and accompanied her to her room. Then she crawled under the covers and stuck her hand out, for me to hold.

As I sang to her, she closed her eyes and smiled that peaceful, beautiful smiling of sleeping children.

When I finished, we hugged each other.

"I love you," she said quietly.

"I love you so much," I whispered back.

Then, just before I walked out the door, I paused. "No," I answered the unasked question one final time.

"What...?" she started to ask.... then.... "Oh....."

She giggled.

"I love you, mommy."

"I love you too sweetheart."





Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA