On Friday, almost out of nowhere, I got really angry at my kids and started snapping at them.
Moshe gently questioned me, "Why are you yelling at the kids?"
All I could answer was, "I am mad."
I sat sulking for a few moments.
Then, I pondered Moshe's query. "Why am I so mad?"
I could not avoid the obvious explanation that I felt displaced anger.
If I am being completely honest, I have to admit that I am mad at God.
I am mad that He gave me cancer. I am mad that He made things worse (even though things will get better again, BE"H). I am mad that He is making me deal with cancer, now, before my daughter's Bat Mitzvah, when I have lots of other things to worry about.... I am mad.
I trust God. I have not lost faith. But I am mad at God.
Once I realized where my anger came from, I had to stop snapping at my kids. Fair is fair; if I am mad at God and I want to yell, I should yell at God. But I did not want to yell at God.
Instead, very politely, I explained to God just why I was so mad at Him.
I allowed myself to feel angry.
It is OK to get mad at God. We do not have to like everything God does or agree with everything in His plan.
I accept that God has His reasons.
I just don't like them, whatever they are.
I do not want to have cancer.
I want God to make the cancer go away!
Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.
With love and optimism,
Panic Last Night on Way Home!
11 hours ago