On Friday, almost out of nowhere, I got really angry at my kids and started snapping at them.
Moshe gently questioned me, "Why are you yelling at the kids?"
All I could answer was, "I am mad."
I sat sulking for a few moments.
Then, I pondered Moshe's query. "Why am I so mad?"
I could not avoid the obvious explanation that I felt displaced anger.
If I am being completely honest, I have to admit that I am mad at God.
I am mad that He gave me cancer. I am mad that He made things worse (even though things will get better again, BE"H). I am mad that He is making me deal with cancer, now, before my daughter's Bat Mitzvah, when I have lots of other things to worry about.... I am mad.
I trust God. I have not lost faith. But I am mad at God.
Once I realized where my anger came from, I had to stop snapping at my kids. Fair is fair; if I am mad at God and I want to yell, I should yell at God. But I did not want to yell at God.
Instead, very politely, I explained to God just why I was so mad at Him.
I allowed myself to feel angry.
It is OK to get mad at God. We do not have to like everything God does or agree with everything in His plan.
I accept that God has His reasons.
I just don't like them, whatever they are.
I do not want to have cancer.
I want God to make the cancer go away!
Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.
With love and optimism,
the bar hopper that claimed to be a yeshiva bachur
14 hours ago