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Friday, June 4, 2010

Mad

On Friday, almost out of nowhere, I got really angry at my kids and started snapping at them.

Moshe gently questioned me, "Why are you yelling at the kids?"

All I could answer was, "I am mad."

I sat sulking for a few moments. 

Then, I pondered Moshe's query.  "Why am I so mad?"

I could not avoid the obvious explanation that I felt displaced anger.

If I am being completely honest, I have to admit that I am mad at God. 

I am mad that He gave me cancer.  I am mad that He made things worse (even though things will get better again, BE"H). I am mad that He is making me deal with cancer, now, before my daughter's Bat Mitzvah, when I have lots of other things to worry about....  I am mad.

I trust God.  I have not lost faith.  But I am mad at God.

Once I realized where my anger came from, I had to stop snapping at my kids.  Fair is fair; if I am mad at God and I want to yell, I should yell at God.  But I did not want to yell at God.

Instead, very politely, I explained to God just why I was so mad at Him.

I allowed myself to feel angry.

It is OK to get mad at God.  We do not have to like everything God does or agree with everything in His plan. 

I accept that God has His reasons.

I just don't like them, whatever they are.

I do not want to have cancer.

I want God to make the cancer go away!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

8 comments:

throwslikeagirl74 said...

Some of the most sage advice I received after diagnosis was a story from a friend of mine who'd lost a child. She was hopping mad at God. And her pastor told her it was ok. God can take it. I believe this too. So be mad. I'm mad for you too. And I'll keep praying that he'll take the cancer away.

Staying Afloat said...

Such a powerful post. Thank you for opening yourself up and sharing it.

rickismom said...

Definately!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing these deep and so meaningful and powerful thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes I am mad at God too.And I don`t realise that God is my adress, and I take it out on my children and husband.
I have yelled at God too. I have argued with him. So did Avraham and Mosche .Sometimes they were succesful, sometimes not. And so it happens to me too. But I always let God know what I think. By puting me in this world, He made me his partner. I don`t always know what he wants from me, but I always let him what I feel and want from him.

mikimi said...

sometimes HaShem's answer is "no" and we have to daven that we can cope with what He sends our way,

itsagift said...

Good for you that you realized where your anger came from. It is so normal to have these emotions when you are in such a turmoil.

Speak to g-d. Tell Him exactly how you feel. Pour your heart out to Him and beg Him for salvation. You'll feel much better after.

Praying for you always!

Bee said...

you have every reason to be mad and G-d knows and understands that, after all you are only human. Stay mad if it helps and fight.

RivkA with a capital A said...

Nicole (throwslikeagirl) - thanks for stopping by!! it is always good to hear from you!!

Staying Afloat - I must admit that I still feel a lot of anger inside and I am struggling to channel it towards constructive use.....

Ricki's mom -- definitely what??

Anonymous -- yeah, me too.

Mikimi - so true

Itsagift - thanks! I love what you wrote in your profile:

[If] Your hand has been replaced by a rubber stamp. What does it say?

My right hand would say, “What we are is Hashem's gift to us. What we become is our gift to Hashem.” My left hand would say, "All children are gifted. Some just open their packages earlier than others.”


Bee - anger is a powerful emotion, but it can be destructive.... as always, it is crucial to find the right balance for our emotions.... I'm trying....