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Thursday, October 16, 2008

BAMM! BOOM! CRASH!

This post was supposed to be a really positive post, all about the first day of Chol HaMoed (visiting the Shomronim on Har Grizim, then going to Giv'ot Olam, an organic communal farm, between Yitzhar and Itamar), and the second day (at Tel Shilo).

Somewhere along the way, I was also going to mention how I seem to be out of my slump.

But, today, at Tel Shilo, right as we were walking around the area where most archeologists agree that the Mishkan stood, my oncologist called me up.

"Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm at Tel Shilo; where are you?" I responded, trying to be light-hearted.

"I'm at the office. When will you be back in Jerusalem?" he responded, no-nonsense all the way.

"Tonight. Why?" I finally realized this was not simply a friendly call.

"I want you to do a CT on Sunday." BAMM!

"Why?"

"Your markers are still rising...." BOOM!

I look around me, at the serene archaeological site. I want to hang up the phone, but I cannot. CRASH!

"I would really rather not come in on Sunday..." I say, thinking about our plans to spend the day with family and friends.

"We need to get the CT results before you receive your next treatment." He says, slowly, making sure I understand.

I do not understand. Well, I do, but I do not want to...

"I am not scheduled for chemo on Sunday," I remind him.

I suggest doing the CT on Wednesday. He agrees. I mention that I have to come in anyway, for a bone scan. He tells me that I can't schedule them for the same time. My bone scan is at 8:30/9:00. He suggests scheduling the CT for noon. Then I remember that I might need to fast for the CT (I do), and that I need to drink for the bone scan (I think). So we agree that I'll get the CT on Thursday, before chemo....

No pressure there. Can't get chemo until I get the CT. Might not even get chemo, depending on the results of the CT. Gotta go for the CT on the same morning as I am supposted to get chemo, if I even get it....

This is crazy.

Our group is moving on. I do not want to miss the explanations of the site. I get off the phone.

Moshe has questions for me.

I have no answers.

I am all rattled.

My cancer world just crashed down on my every day world -- you know, the one where I ignore the cancer, and just have fun with my family....

I pull myself together.

"Let's deal with this later," I suggest to my husband. He agrees, even though it is hard for both of us.

We gather the kids, and rejoin the group, as if nothing happened....



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

17 comments:

Robin said...

Sending you much love and extra-strength good thoughts.

xox

Anonymous said...

I have been davening and davening for you. I am currently reading sefer haagadut (in English) and am asking that you receive all of my zchut from my learning.
ABH

rickismom said...

May your test results be as good as possible, and I hope you can still enjoy Sunday!

Juggling Frogs said...

Oh RivkA!

You are in my tefilot. May there soon be good news to share.

SuperRaizy said...

We will all be thinking of you. B'ezrat Hashem it will be Ok!

muse said...

I was there and saw that scene.

Your doctors should have seen you hike around Tel Shiloh. Bli eyin haraa, you're amazing.

Refuah Shleihma!

Anonymous said...

Full prayers going out to you for all of these tests.

Rahel said...

RivkA, my prayers and good thoughts go to you, full tilt.

May the news be all and only good.

Anonymous said...

you're right, having your family-holiday intruded on like that sucks.

on the brighter side, sounds like you did great damage control in minimizing how much of an intrusion it's going to be.

as always, you've been in my thoughts and prayers, and I am currently sending you a smile and happy thought!

Love
BW

Anonymous said...

Will try to daven harder so that your family time (years of it, PG) are not intruded on again. Wishing you moadim l'simcha and a great family day out on Sunday.

- Na'amah

rivkayael said...

Refuah shleima. I am learning B. Kiddushin in your merit.

tnspr569 said...

I've been daavening for you, and hope to hear good news in future posts.

A Living Nadneyda said...

We'll be thinking of you Wednesday and Thursday. Until then, I hope you can do what you did in Shilo and focus on the chag, your family, and all the wonderful things around you.

It was really good to see you today. I'm sorry we had to skip out the middle part and just got to have the hello/goodbye hugs...

Baila said...

I'm also thinking of you.

Shevy said...

Thinking of you, as always. I pray that the CT shows only good things and that the reason your markers are rising will be explained soon in a good way.

A Soldier's Mother said...

Pretending nothing is wrong when you feel that way is a horrible feeling. I had something like that and the description that came to my mind is that your heart is screaming, but no one else hears it.

We're all praying for you and sending you our love and best thoughts and prayers - let us know when you can.

Paula

RivkA with a capital A said...

Robin, ABH, Rickismom, Juggling Frogs, Superraizy, Muse, anon, Rahel, BW, Na’amah, Rivkayael, tnspr569, ALN, Baila, Shevy, Paula – THANKS!!

It is amazing to receive so much support and encouragement from you all!!

ABH & Rivkayael -- I really appreciate your learning on my behalf. It is a privilege to be a part of your Torah learning.

Paula -- That is a powerful description! I’d like to say that it’s not like that. But, the truth is, sometimes it is.