Giving and Receiving

Our support group seems to have dwinded.... but, not exactly. Each meeting, only 5-6 women attend; however, each time it is different women. We seem to be fluctuate between 10 "regulars." (2 women seem to have dropped out).

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The subject of this week's support group, "Giving and Receiving," could not have been more aptly timed. (to understand why, read my previous post)

"Which is more difficult," asked our group's facilitator, "and why?"

We give from a place of strenth; we are empowered by giving.

We receive from a place of weakness; receiving makes us feel "needy."

We prefer to be "givers" rather than "takers."

We have strong egos. We cling to our self-image of being "hakol yachol" (able to do anything).

Accepting help means accepting our inability to do that which we did before. We do not want to accept our limitations. So we resist.

We know:
* it takes strength to accept help
* we would be happy to help, so we should be happy to accept help
* we are giving other people the opporunity to do mitzvot (good deeds)
* by accepting their help, we are allowing the people who care about us to feel involved and useful

We also know that we really do need help.

We know all these things to be true. Yet, asking for help is one of the hardest things for us to do.

We are learning.

I am learning.

I have learned to keep lists. If someone offers to help me, I write it down. If I don't, I will forget who offered.

If I am out and about, I probably don't need help at that moment. But I will need help another time and it is easier to call someone who has already offered to help.

If someone offers a particular kind of help, I write that down too. Not everyone is willing to go shopping, pick up my kids, do my laundry, or help me clean my house... but some people are.

I am learning to be gracious. When someone helps me, whether solicited or not, I say "Thank you."

Rather than throwing out some sort of deprecating comment (choose any of the following: 1. "you shouldn't have...", 2. "it wasn't necessary..." 3. "we don't really need it..."), I express my appreciation: "Thank you for thinking of us", "That was helpful/thoughtful/kind," "I really appreciate your efforts."

Slowly, very slowly, I am learning not only to accept help, but also to ask for the help I need.

I am learning to say "Thank you. We don't really need 'that', but 'this' would be very helpful."

It's a process.

After I was diagnosed last summer, Moshe turned to me and said decisively: "You need to squelch your natural inclination and, every time someone offers to help, just say 'yes'!"

Who would have thought that saying "yes" could be so difficult?



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA