Shavuot -- 5769 -- 2009

(this should probably be broken up into two or three posts... oh well...)
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For the last three years, we stayed by good friends on Shavuot. Doing something three times is a chazakah, meaning you can count on doing it that way every year.

Nevertheless, we were not certain whether we could stay with those friends this year. Last year my husband really suffered without air-conditioning and warned me that we could no longer stay somewhere without air-conditioning (no matter how “cool” people say their home is).

Ironically, though our friends recently got air-conditioning, it did not work out for us to stay with them this year for other reasons. Sometimes life is funny like that.

Unperturbed, I set about finding somewhere else to stay. We have many friends in that area, and I was not worried. But the air-conditioning condition threw a wrench in the works! Not to mention that we are five people, and this year Shavuot is coupled with Shabbat to make a two day holiday!

In the end, we actually split up for sleeping purposes. The kids and I stayed with friends who have lots of space but no air-conditioning and Moshe slept over at friends who have a smaller apartment with air-conditioning. Since Moshe does not walk with us to daven (pray) in the Old City, we are on different sleep cycles anyway (at least for Shavuot).

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Last year, my youngest daughter learned at “home” (where we were staying) until she went to sleep; my eldest daughter went to one or two shiurim (study sessions) with us, then went back for a short sleep; and my son stayed with us for all the shiurim, with a few breaks. I wondered what would be this year…..

After Shavuot dinner, our hosts were hosting a group of girls from their daughter’s youth group. Our eldest daughter decided to stay for that. Our youngest stayed too. Our son joined Moshe and me.

In the past, I would walk all over the city, hopping from place to place, choosing which shiurim interested me the most.

Last year, after we decided not to stay somewhere with “standing room only,” Moshe suggested that we go to Pardes for all of the shiurim. We did, and it was great. This year, we went to Pardes again. There were several shiurim offered simultaneously.

We wanted to attend the first shiur (study session) with Dr. Aviva Zornberg, but we were a few minutes late. Moshe was really disappointed. He did not want to sit in the back, where we might not hear, so we went to the alternative shiur, given by David Levin-Kruss, who is an excellent educator (with whom I have had the privilege of working many years ago). DLK’s shiur was quite interactive, and engaged our son more than a frontal presentation would. Despite being the youngest person in the room, our son was interested in the material and actively participated in the discussion. At the end of the shiur, our son commented enthusiastically “he’s a good teacher!”

After the second shiur, with Judith Klitzner, our son had enough and went back to our hosts to sleep a bit. In the middle of the third shiur, with Rabbi Danny Landes (who gives a very dynamic shiur, and always keeps me awake and alert during those late night/early morning hours from 3:00 to 4:00 am), I found it difficult to keep my eyes open. I realized that if I wanted to walk to the Old City with my kids, I had to allow myself the “luxury” of closing my eyes for a few minutes.

After the shiur, I apologized for drifting off to sleep, and mentioned that “I did have chemo yesterday, so I have a reasonable ‘excuse.’”

After the last shiur, Moshe came with me to help wake the kids. This year, our son did not feel up to walking to the Old City, so he decided to stay with Moshe and daven (pray) with a local minyan (prayer group).

The walk to the Old City is a big part of what makes Shavuot so special for me. You start off, the sky is dark, and you see a few people here and there, walking in the shadows of the streetlamps. As you get closer and closer to the Old City, more and more people gather and walk together, until, as you approach the Old City, and the sky begins to fill with light, and you find yourself surrounded by a see of people, dressed in white. The visual affect is magnificent.

This year, we sort of missed that experience. We were a bit “late” and walked most of the way with other “stragglers.”

As we approached the Old City, we discussed where we would daven (pray).

Many years ago, I would daven with a nice group that sang a lot. That group no longer meets by the Kotel, but I heard of another group that planned to meet and daven with a lot of singing. I had even arranged for my friend’s daughter to “save me a seat.”

The need for a seat is not insignificant for me these days. I can no longer stand for long periods of time, and sitting on the stone floor becomes unbearable after only a short time. Since I look “young,” young girls do not necessarily give up their seats for me, and I am not comfortable asking (perhaps I should be, but I am not).

Last year, rather than risk being uncomfortable, I decided to daven at the Ramban Synagogue. However, just as we were going to go in, I heard singing and we followed the sound of joyous prayer and ended up joining a small singing minyan in the Hurva.

When we got to the Old City, my stomach was very upset from the chemo and I knew that I had to daven somewhere with easy access to a bathroom. The singing minyan was in the same place, but the room was very crowded and my girls did not feel comfortable squeezing in. I really wanted to daven there, but access to the bathroom was not so great so I did not insist that we stay. In the end, we davened at the Ramban shul (synagogue); it was not very exciting, but was nice enough.

Afterwards, we went to Moshe’s cousins for Kiddush, like we do every year. This year, I mentioned that we had gone up to Har HaBayit (the Temple Mount) for Birkat HaChamah, before Pesach. A rather heated discussion ensued. I felt a swell of maternal pride when my eldest insisted on contributing her opinion to the discussion. She expressed herself strongly and articulately as she advocated for what she believed.

For the first time in years, we did not leave with Moshe’s cousin, who was in a rush. We did leave shortly after him, but our walk home was quite slow, and I did need to rest several times. On the way home, we discussed the possibility that I might not do this again next year. To my surprise, the girls were quite confident that they could do this without me, and my eldest started talking about how she would arrange to go with friends. I could not figure out if I felt relieved or abandoned.

We arrived at “home” around 11:00 in the morning. We immediately collapsed into bed.

At around 2:30, I forced myself to get out of bed. The kids were already up and I knew they needed to eat. We went to an all-day BBQ at our friend’s home. It was SO MUCH FUN!! There was plenty to eat, plenty to drink, and plenty of good company!

Eventually, the kids had enough, but Moshe and I hung out the whole afternoon. At one point, someone we did not know asked about “our story.” We ended up telling our story together, which was a unique experience. It was interesting for me to hear Moshe’s answers to several probing questions that were asked.

When we left, Moshe went to shul and I went to gather our kids. Then we met up for dinner at the home of our friends, where Moshe was staying. Admittedly, none of us was very hungry for dinner. I had a bowl of chicken soup and a bowl of gazpacho and I was basically done eating. Still, dinner was very nice. My friend and I have a long history (our mothers were childhood friends, and we attended the same college), and I took the opportunity to share with her how she had influenced my life by graciously hosting me for Shabbat when I was deciding where to attend university. She barely remembers that Shabbat, while for me it was pivotal in my decision to attend Barnard.

After dinner, the kids and I walked home in the cool night air. Again, we fell asleep as soon as we arrived.

Shabbat day was the culmination of a wonderful two days. The morning was slow for my family; everyone got up at their own pace, davened (prayed), played, etc. Lunch was a pleasure, with delicious food, good conversation, and no pressure.

After lunch, my girls read and I sat with my son and listened to him reading his Torah portion. After an hour or so, he had enough, and went off to do his own thing. I drifted in and out of sleep in a very comfortable chair, occasionally joining a conversation that penetrated my sleepy haze.

Towards the end of the day, my son returned and we played a game together with one of the other guests.

And then Shabbat was over.

As we loaded our car, I thought to myself, I am not ready to give any of this up quite yet, not even the walk to the Old City.


Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Parenting Question -- Whose Responsibility Is It?

Bedtime in our home is 8:30 pm, with lights out at 8:45.

There is a certain amount of flexibility, but this is the default, despite constant objections and surreptitious attempts to create a fait accompli.

At this time, the authorities (that would be us parents) are uncompromising. As long as it remains challenging to wake children in the morning, the official bedtimes remain the same.

Today, a certain child was waiting to use the computer. While that child was waiting, the child turned on the television (without permission).

At 8:30, I finished using the computer and instructed my child to go get ready for bed.

The child was upset that I did not grant access to the computer.

I maintain that the child knows the parameters of our evening schedule and that the child is old enough to watch the time and fulfill all obligations.

Had the child gotten ready for bed, rather than watching television, there would have been no conflict over the computer.

When we started going around in circles, I ended the argument discussion and sent the child to get ready for bed.

The child quickly got ready for bed, and went onto the computer for 3 minutes, which turned into at least half an hour, since Moshe is not home with dinner yet.

What would you do?



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

STAR TREK -- Raising a Family of Trekkies (or "And You Thought This Blog Was About Cancer")

When I was a kid, my mother used to watch Star Trek. One night, when I was supposed to be in bed, I snuck downstairs and secretly watched an episode. It was about kids who die when they get older; it was really scary. (When I told Moshe about it, he named the episode, "Miri.") I decided that I did not like Star Trek and did not want to watch it again.

FAST FORWARD

When I was pregnant with our first child, we bought a TV and VCR (You remember VCRs, don't you? They played video tapes.....)

Anyway, at the time, "Next Generation" was showing on TV, two afternoons a week. When my daughter was born, and I was on maternity leave (which I extended for several years), Moshe would call to make sure that the videotape was set to record.

Eventually, I realized that if I had to be there anyway to set the tape, then I might as well watch the show. I considered the experience an "investment" in my marriage. After all, if my husband was so into Star Trek, I might as well become familiar with it.

Now, don't get the wrong idea. It is not as if I did not like science fiction. I did; I just did not like Star Trek. Though I am not as serious a sci fi fan as my husband, when I was in high school, I read plenty of Ray Bradbury, Robert A. Heinlein, and Isaac Asimov. My favorite short story of all time is A Sound of Thunder. (you can read the story online here)

At first, I was not very impressed with Next Generation. But, as time went on, and I also started watching Deep Space Nine, I started getting more into the Star Trek thing.

Somewhere along the way, Moshe and I started watching Babylon Five (B5) together (this is another story in itself). I spent several years arguing that B5 was far superior to Star Trek. At first, Moshe considered that apicorsus (heretical). After all, Star Trek is like the Bible! Eventually, Moshe conceded the point, though he still considered Star Trek kodesh (holy).

What is undeniable is that B5 influenced Star Trek -- B5 showed that audiences will appreciate and follow an arch story, even over several seasons; by proving that a series can develop more than just self-contained individual story plots, B5 fundamentally changed the standard of TV sci fi. As a direct result, Deep Space Nine developed a sophisticated arch story that took that series to a whole new level.

JUMP AHEAD a few more years....

Moshe started "disappearing" on Saturday nights. If the kids were not in bed on time, he would just leave them on their own for an hour. After a while, I discovered that Moshe was going into our room to watch Enterprise!

"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Right?

So, I started watching with him.

Even with the two of us getting the kids to bed, we did not always succeed in getting everyone ready before the episode began.

With the two of us engrossed in the show, our kids would stand in the doorway and watch as well. Eventually, we gave up all pretenses of trying to get them to bed once the show started and Saturday nights became, unofficially, Star Trek night.

I think that must be what planted the seeds for what was to become our official Star Trek night.

A year or so ago, Moshe suggested that we watch, as a family, every single Star Trek episode, chronologically.

On the one hand, I thought it was a completely geeky idea. On the other hand, I thought it might be nice to have a regular family activity. I would have chosen a different genre, but I was not going to organize it. This was Moshe's idea, and he made it happen.

At first, the kids were only moderately into it.

Since we did not really watch TV much, and we barely let the kids watch at all, they were happy to watch anything, even if it was not their first choice.

Eventually, they got into it too!

The brilliance of it is that Moshe made a deal with the kids: we only watch Star Trek if they are ready for bed on time. Saturday nights were the most difficult nights of our week. Now the kids come straight home after their Shabbat, eat supper right away and get ready for bed quickly.

I started teasing Moshe that he was/we are raising a family of geeks!

But I have to give credit where credit is due. Star Trek night is the best thing we do as a family.

Together, we curl up, under blankets (even in the summer), to watch and analyze that week's episode.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Star Trek Movie

Going tomorrow, Tuesday, at 7:15 pm, in Malcha.

Join us!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Busy Week!

Looking at these last few days, one would not imagine that we have been sick or that I am exhausted from chemo....

Wednesday night: Moshe and I went to an excellent local lecture by Machon Meir's Rav Uri Cherki about Yom Yerushalayim -- Rav Cherki spoke about our limitations (space, time, and metaphysical) and how Jerusalem breaks through all those barriers.

Thursday night: Moshe, our youngest daughter, and I went to a film about the fall of the Old City in 1948, followed by a moving talk by Natan Gini, who was 12 years old when he defended his home/community in the Old City in 1948.

Saturday night: Moshe and I attended a fascinating lecture about Nechama Leybovitch by Yael Unterman, who just published a book about Nechama.

Sunday night: We went to Neve Daniel to be Menachem Aveilim (comfort mourners).

Monday night: We plan to be home (for a change).

Tuesday night: We plan to go see the Star Trek movie. Anyone want to join us?

Lest you get the mistaken impression that Moshe waited until now to see it.... I will be seeing the movie for the first time; Moshe went to see it the day it came out. ?אלה מה



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Medical Update -- Side Effects of Taxotere

This past Thursday, I got the Herceptin but no Taxotere, to give my GI (gastrointestinal) track a rest.

Next week, I will resume the Taxotere, but in a lower dose. Hopefully, the lower dose will resolve, or at least dramatically reduce, the GI upset (read: diarrhea).

The previous week, I took Loperamide (Imodium) almost daily to resolve the upset. It worked, but it would be better not to have any stomach upset. Apparently, in addition to the dangers of dehydration, there is some risk of infection associated with diarrhea.

I guess I expected this week to pass smoothly without the Taxotere. Unfortunately, this morning (day 3) I had an upset stomach again. I immediately took two Loperamide tablets.

I really feel rather sorry for myself about the upset stomach thing.

Isn't it funny the things that bother us?


Meanwhile, the neuropathy caused by the Taxol seems to have disappeared from my feet. I am not sure what is happening with my hands. My right hand feels ok, but my left hand feels sluggish. I cannot tell whether it is leftover neuropathy caused by the Taxol, or new neuropathy caused by the Taxotere. I think it is getting worse, which makes me think it is the latter.

With the Taxol, my fingers felt "pudgy." Now the whole hand just feels like it is not working right, like it is "slow" or "sleepy."

I think there is something wrong with my sense of touch.

In addition to the loss of dexterity, especially in my left hand, I have also lost strength in my hands (both of them). I still find it difficult to open bottles and often need to ask for help.


It took over two weeks for the cuts on my tongue to heal after I stopped the Taxol. The sensation has returned, though much milder. I drank lemonade and the acid did not make my tongue burn.


So far, none of these symptoms is enough to stop the Taxotere.


Meanwhile, I just submitted a request to the kupah (health fund) for a PET scan (PET CT). It has been six months since we last did a full scan to see what is going on inside my body.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Yom Yerushalayim & Getting Older

This is the third year in a row that I did not participate in the rikudgalim (dance/parade of flags). That is it. I am done. Three times is a chazakah.
(off topic: it is SO COOL that I can link to a definition of chazakah on Wikipedia!!!)

Two years ago, the pouring rain helped me to justify still being too tired to participate (even though my last surgery was over half a year earlier).

Last year, I determined to push myself and do it, until I realized there really were other options.

Finally, this year, I did not even consider it. OK, I considered it, but for only a fraction of a minute, so that does not really count.

I am just too tired, my feet are too swollen, and the kids are old enough to be doing their own thing (at least the older kids are).

Like last year, my eldest went with her friends, my son went on a tiyul (hike) with Sayarut (scouts) (after attending the Bat Mitzvah of one of the girls from his class), and that left my youngest, who went to Zam Zam and did not even miss the parade.

I was all set to attend our community davening (praying) -- this year, all the Batei K'nesset (shuls/synagogues) prayed together in one minyan (quorum), in the large, neighborhood schoolyard (down the block from us).

Moshe wanted to attend a film about the battle for the Old City in the War of Independence, followed by a talk given by Natan Gini, one of the children who fought to defent the Old City during the War of Independence.

My daughter's fifth grade class had done a play about his brother, Nissim Gini, the youngest fighter to fall in defense of our country. He was only ten. His big brother, Natan, was all of twelve at the time. Afterwards, the kids all wrote letters to his sister, sharing what the story meant to them.

Though I was inclined to attend the davening and then come home and rest (let's not forget that I had chemo today -- though I only had Herceptin since the doctor is giving my gastrointestinal tract a rest for a week, before he lowers the dosage in an attempt to alleviate, or at least significantly lesson, my stomach troubles).

"Why would you send me the information if you do not want to go?" my husband asked, perplexed.

When my youngest heard that Natan Gini would be speaking, she also wanted to go. That tipped the balance.

Both the film and the presentation were interesting and informative.

On the way back to our car (there was terrible traffic, so we parked pretty far away), I met an older friend, returning from the Old City.

I felt a brief pang of regret that I had not participated, but it did not last long.

I was tired enough.

And ready to go home.....



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA