Surrealistic

I wanted to post an upbeat post today. (especially since I have posted several "heavier" posts lately)

I knew that today was going to be a good day!

I planned to spend the morning and afternoon with my brother, his lovely wife, and their two ADORABLE little boys. This was going to be my day with them.

I planned to take them to Migdal David (The Tower of David Museum), where I have been a guide (on and off) for almost 20 years! (19, to be exact) It is my FAVORITE museum in Jerusalem, and I love guiding there. So it is especially great to share the museum with my family!

And then tonight Moshe and I planned to go out to dinner to celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary.

What could be bad?

Well, I did both of those things! And they were each wonderful, in their own way.

But in the middle, my world collapsed a little.

We had already spent over 4 hours at Migdal David when Moshe called. (I thought we would spend about 3 hours there but everything takes longer with small kids! We were all exhausted by the end of the day, but it was worth it!)

Moshe had just learned that our friend's daughter, who recently celebrated her Bat Mitzvah (around March), died today from cancer. He knew that I would want to know.

It is difficult for me even to write these words.

When I first started blogging, I was surprised to find that one of my regular readers was a woman with whom Moshe had worked in the past. As the mother of a child with cancer, she drew strength and support from my blog. I was amazed, and honored, to be able to provide that for her. I could not imagine the challenges of raising a child with cancer.

Over time, we emailed, we talked, we got to know each other.

I last saw her with her daughter at Zichron Menachem's Purim celebration. Her daughter looked great! (besides having no hair) She was full of energy, as usual, and having a great time! She looked so young and strong!

All the doctors emphasize that, today, people can live for years with cancer. Surely, I believed, my friend's daughter would be okay!

About a year and a half ago, I met my friend at the Bar Mitzvah of the son of a mutual friend. My friend admitted that she was afraid to begin planning her daughter's Bat Mitzvah so far in advance. Who knew what might be.

I had a brief glimpse into the horrible fear that a mother feels when her child has cancer.

When I posted Choose Life (last May), I received the following letter from my friend:

Hi RivkA

I read your posts every day, and today’s has really stunned me.

In Tamar’s Bat-Mitzva, 3 months ago, I talked about just the same thing. I gave my personal interpretation to “Uvacharta Bachaim” – sometimes you cannot choose whether you’ll live or die, but you can choose to live the life you are given.

She sent me the text of her drasha (speech) and I read it all (in Hebrew!). It was so moving, and so full of life!

And now, here I was, in the middle of giving a tour to my brother and his family, and I did not know how to deal with this loss.

I took a few minutes to try and regain my composure and figure out what I should do. I knew that I would not have another opportunity to spend time alone with my brother and his family.

I decided that I needed to finish giving my family their tour. I did not want to cut it short.

If I finished in time, I would try to attend the funeral. If not, I would simply go to the shiv'a (mourning house).

I forced myself to focus on the moment, and to be with my family 100 percent.

I did not rush myself or my family. It took us at least another hour before we left the museum.

I realized that I was not going to make it to the funeral.

(To be honest, I was a bit relieved. I am not at all certain that it would have been good for me to attend the funeral, even though I really wanted to go.)

When we got home, I helped my brother and sister in law to find some information they needed, then I went to get ready to go out for our anniversary.

Moshe and I had a lovely dinner together. Afterwards, we went to the hotel where we got married (we have been doing this every year since we got married).

We spent an hour, or so, just hanging out in the area where we had our wedding, talking about all sorts of things.

It was very special.

Among other things, we spoke about our friend and her daughter. How could we not?



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Hard to Forget

Taking pills every days makes it hard to forget that I have cancer.

Chemo once a week was not fun, but it left me with 6 days to pretend that I was "normal."



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Chemo Pills (Medical Update)

So, it turns out that both Xeloda and Tykerb are pills.

On the one hand, this makes life a lot simpler. I no longer have to receive treatments via IV.

On the other hand, I have to remember to take pills, LOTS of pill, EVERY days. Blech!!

Have I mentioned how much I hate taking pills and how hard it is for me to remember to take them when I need them?!?!

I have to take FOUR pills of Xeloda, TWO times a day, between 20 - 30 minutes after I eat food.

I also have to take FIVE pills of Tykerb, once a day, an hour after I have eaten and an hour before I eat. I can drink water during those two hours, but nothing else.

I have to take Xeloda every day for 14 days straight; then I have 7 days without taking Xeloda. (Like all my other chemos so far, Xeloda is also taken on a three week cycle)

I have to take the Tykerb EVERY day, with no breaks.

It feels like the last few days have revolved around when I am taking my pills.

I get up, eat something, wait 20 minutes, take my Xeloda pills, wait another 40 minutes, take my Tykerb pills, wait another hour, then relax for several hours. In the evening, I eat dinner, wait another 20 minutes, take my Xeloda pills, feel relieved that I remembered all my pills that day, and relax until the next morning. Repeat.

During the week, I fill in a chart, including the times that I am taking the pills. It is actually comforting for me to fill in the chart, because then I know that I am not going to get confused about whether or not I took my pills.

With all the focus on timing and food, it is hard to forget.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Things to Remember (Pictures)

At the end of the day, pictures are what we look at to remember our simchas (celebrations) and family events.

At my daughter's Bat Mitzvah, we forgot to take family photos. At the very end, we rushed to get in a few pictures before our "photographer" had to leave.

A friend of ours took pictures for us, but it is challenging to be both a guest and a photographer.

This time around, we asked two friends to take pictures and we asked them both to arrive!

I had meant to ask even more friends to just bring cameras and take pictures, but I forgot. Lucky for us, another two friends came with their cameras anyway, including one friend who had a pretty serious camera and seemed pretty serious about taking pictures!!

I have not seen any pictures yet, but I have already added a few more things to my list, to (hopefully) remember next time....


Things to Remember:

1. Arrive at least an HOUR early for pictures. We planned to arrive a half hour early. We arrived 15 minutes early. The caterer was there to great us; he introduced us to the staff and went over some final details. Guests were already arriving as we rushed to take pictures.

2. Make sure ALL family members know they are supposed to be there at that time!! Certain family members, who shall remain nameless, asked Moshe "What time will things really start?" Moshe answered their question directly -- he told them the time we expected most guests to arrive and would be serving the food (about a half hour after the time on the invitation). Said family members were really asking "What time should we be there?" (We only figured that out afterwards) So, these family members planned to arrive at that time, half an hour late! Then they got stuck in traffic and arrived even later! So much for pictures!

3. Ask a friend or two to come early, to help with pictures (i.e. to run after people and gather them for pictures). Since we are the ba'alei hasimcha (family celebrating), we are in almost every picture. It would save a lot of energy if someone OTHER than me would be running around telling family members (and friends) when to gather and come for pictures. This is definitely something I could delegate!!

4. Take "group" photos!! (and use the microphone to gather the relevant people) A friend from college "popped in" to our simcha (celebration) (she could not stay because they had a wedding the same night). I realized that I have TONS of friends who went to the same college as I (though not at the same time). I quickly gathered (almost) all of my friends who attended Barnard for a photo. (I did miss at least one friend -- that's what photo shop is for!) I am so happy to have a photo like that!!

In addition to more family photos, I would have liked group photos of (in no particular order):
1. "frisbeechevra" friends
2. "blogger" friends
3. college friends
4. "Tnuat AM" friends
5. the "lost boys" (i.e. my son's friends)

You get the idea!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

New Chemo -- Xeloda & Tykerb (Medical Update)

Thanks to a good report from the PET scan, my oncologist gave me a week "off" for the Bar Mitzvah celebrations.

I finished radiation three days before the Bar Mitzvah Shabbat, and I started the new chemotherapy today, two days after the Seudat Mitzvah (Festive Meal -- i.e. party).

I would have liked to postpone beginning this new chemotherapy until after my brother left, but my husband (and mother) were adamantly opposed to delaying treatment (it has been three weeks since my last chemo, and that stuff did not really work so well...). Medically, I could have waited another week. But, as my doctor constantly emphasizes, this is a couples disease, and both partners need to feel comfortable with the decisions being made.

So, I started today.

I will write more details tomorrow, if I can.



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Running on Empty

I'm going to CRASH this Shabbat!!!

I have not had a chance to slow down since the Bar Mitzvah!!

Wednesday night we had a family wedding, by Tzomet Re'em (Masmia), and today we had a family get-together in the late afternoon that ended in the evening. Both events were very special, and I am glad I went! That said, had I not had these events, I would have just stayed home and slept all day! I am still tired from the radiation. I have to sleep!!

Even when we got home this evening, I had to help my son pack for his machaneh (camp). This year, he barely did anything with his youth group. But machaneh is the highlight of the year -- each year, they go for one more day than the last. They "build" their campsite out of wood and sheets. This year, they will be there over Shabbat, which is a really special experience. The whole thing is a real exersize in group dynamics and cooperation.

It took over an hour to help my son pack. But, finally he is done and so am I!!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Thank YOU for Being Part of My World

Now seems as good a time as any to express my gratitude for the overwhelming on-line support and encouragment I have received from friends and 'strangers' these past few weeks.

I was amazed at the outpouring of love and support I received after I posted about my recent diagnosis -- I had over 500 visitors to my blog and 73 comments!! And that's not including all the people who responded by email! (I don't know about you, but that just blew me away!!)

So many people came to express their support and to add their prayers via David at Treppenwitz, (who wrote a very kind and moving post aout me here) and Leora from Highland Park (who also wrote about me here). I am grateful to both of them for adding their voices to mine, in such a positive way, during such a difficult time for me.

This experience has made me realize how much of a community I have found in the blogosphere.

Blogging helps me feel less isolated during all those times that I am too tired to leave my home.

I know you think I am increadibly busy, but that is just because I never (ok, almost never) write about the days I am too tired to do anything.

On that note, I will mention that when I "disappear" for a few days, it usually means I really am out and about, actually "living" my life. (Admitedly, there are many reasons that I may be feeling too tired to write about it at the end of the day....)

Anyway, my point is simply that I want to thank all of you for your warmth and caring.

It is awesome to have so many people praying for me, all over the world.

God bless you!!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA