A while ago, I finally figured out that I need to nap almost daily. I discovered that if I napped 1 1/2 - 2 hours a day, I had enough energy in the evenings to parent the way I want (to help my kids, be patient with their problems, read/sing to them at night, etc.)
I was feeling good.
A week or two after my discovery, my oncologist casually mentioned that I should not be feeling tired from this kind of chemo.
Never mind that I spoke with other women who also felt tired from "this kind of chemo." Never mind that one woman told me that she could barely function while on "this kind of chemo."
As soon as I heard my doctor say that I should not be feeling tired, I felt that I must be indulging myself.
At first, I just cut out a nap here and there, because there were other things that really needed to be done.
But there are always other things that need to get done. So, every day, I pushed a little bit more, and a little bit more, until taking an afternoon nap really did seem like a luxury.
Recently, I have really been feeling like I am pushing myself beyond my limits. Even though I am acutely aware of all the things I no longer do, I still want to do as much as I can.
But I am crashing. On Monday, I cancelled my morning appointment, so I could sleep a few more hours. On Wednesday, I stopped what I was doing mid-morning and went to sleep... for almost four hours! (I had to really push myself to get out of bed and drive to the Mifletzet) On Thursday, I slept two hours in the afternoon and still went to bed at 10:00 pm (which is really early for me).
I have never been good at limiting my activities. As soon as I am rested enough, I try to return to my "normal" schedule. Then, I discover that I am doing too much, so I cut down my activities. Then I feel rested enough, and.... the cycle repeats itself.
I am not sorry that I am pushing myself. It is summer vacation, and I really want to do fun things with my kids. But it is hard!
Eventually, I will find the balance....
Maybe in September, when school starts....
Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.
With love and optimism,
more observations from the USA (Chicago day 4-5)
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