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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Beit Natan Winter Retreat -- Part I: Facing the Future

The retreat was amazing!

I wouldn't have gone, if it hadn't been for my friend EA. She really encouraged me to attend. Every time I saw her, she was so enthusiastic and inviting. EZ, from Beit Natan, also called me several times, encouraging me to attend. I am grateful to them both.

The program was excellent, both interesting and informative. The workshops were emotionally moving. And the women who attended were so special.

I attended a workshop in guided imagery, led by Bracha Toporowitz. One of the excersizes led me on a journey to a beautiful future. I was with Moshe, surrounded by our children (all happily married) and their children. It was a warm and happy family gathering. Everyone was smilling. As I observed my wonderful, imagined, future, I felt my very real tears rolling down my cheeks. Suddenly, I was so afraid that I wouldn't live to see that future. At one point, I started crying uncontrollably. I was overcome with fear. I felt like I discovered a place that I didn't even know existed within me, and I didn't want it to be there.

Afterwards, I was unable to focus on the next lecture. I could not stay in my seat in the front of the lecture hall, so I went to stand in the back. Chaya Heller, the founder of Beit Natan, saw that I was having a difficult time and invited me to talk with her in another room. We sat down and I cried some more. I was so afraid of being afraid. I viewed fear as a black hole that threatened to swallow me. Chaya helped me to accept my fears and not be afraid to face them. I felt encouraged and strengthened by our conversation. She is an amazing and impressive woman.

It will take some work to find a place for the fear. I don't want it to define me or to depress me, but it does exist. And I want to find a way past it, so that I can view my future with confidence.

It's like throwing a ball -- you need to see the ball arriving at it's destination before it even leaves your hand. It is our faith in the future that is imperative for us to arrive at that future.

Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,


Anonymous said...

I want to say so much, but words can't seem to form in my thoughts. my hearts beats sadness and love and inspiration and lots of light and health for you.

tafka PP said...

I'm so glad you did the guided imagery: Whatever the topic or reason, I always find that afterwards, new strength comes in waves.