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Friday, May 8, 2009

Whose job is it anyway?

"Why didn't you tell her about the brit" my husband asked, when he realized that our daughter went home instead of joining us at the simcha (celebration), to which all our children were invited.

"It is such a haval (shame);" he continued, "her school is right around the corner."

I started to explain... then I stopped.

"Why didn't you tell her?" I queried in return. "You saw her this morning. Why didn't you mention it when you took her to school?"

We each had our reasons for why neither of us remembered to inform our daughter.

The question is, whose responsibility is it? Does the onus fall on one of us more than the other?

Moshe clearly felt that the burden of responsibility fell on my shoulders. Perhaps because I am our family's main "program coordinator."

On the other hand, I have a lousy memory (it was bad, even before chemo), and am notorious about forgetting to communicate information about our plans.

Furthermore, Moshe is often the only parent who sees the kids in the morning.

We ended the discussion with neither of us claiming responsibility, but both agreeing to try harder to make sure the kids are informed.

How do other families resolve this issue?

Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,


Anonymous said...

I infrorm/remind the kids and my husband.


Karen said...

I think that there is a tendency for the woman to be the social secretary in the family, making all the plans and keeping everyone informed, but there is no reason that it HAS to be that way, it depends on the personalities, skills, and other factors (like chemo brain!) One way to solve this particular problem is to post a large weekly or monthtly calendar in a prominent place and have everyone write in any plans that affect the family. It's also a good way to get kids in the habit of telling you about their tiyulim, sports events, concerts, etc. earlier than at bedtime the night before (if it's a morning event) or when they get home from school (if it's in the afternoon/evening). If the calendar is magnetic or on a corkboard they can attach a list of things they need for the event. It's good training for husbands, too. :) And if they get in the habit of looking at it, they'll see things like a brit and you won't have to keep reminding them. And if they don't remember it, it's their responsibility, not yours.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, but since I read your 10 facts post I have been racking my brain to remember a redhead at Barnard. Did you graduate around 1988??

RivkA with a capital A said...

CV -- is that ok with you? (i.e. would you rather it worked differently)

Karen -- I think that is a great idea, but I found that I was not organized enough to keep the calendar updated!

Tesyaa -- yes. do I know you? I finished in December 1988, which put me in the class of 1989.

Anonymous said...

I don't think I know you. I had a friend who is a redhead, but as far as I know she is still in the U.S.

But I can't imagine we didn't cross paths, as I did with Mother In Israel -- we had a lot of mutual friends.

RivkA with a capital A said...

I used to have long red hair and I was a crazy Zionist -- I don't remember many other redheads. You can email me privately with more details about yourself at:

Mother in Israel and I overlapped for a year or two. She was one of the first people I met at college -- she made an impression on me right away because she was so friendly and welcoming!