"Losing It" or "Do You Love Me Enough to Drive Me in the Morning?"

Today, for the second time since I started the new chemo regimen, I was scheduled to receive both Herceptin and Taxol and the bone drugs. The last two weeks, I only got Taxol, and I finished really late both times. I did not want to come twice to the hospital, like I did the first time I got both treatments (and I did not need to get the bone drugs then).

So I told everyone (my doctor, the nurses, the research staff) how important it was for me to get both treatments today, so that I would not have to come in a second day during Chanukah. My kids are home from school and I want the time with them!

Everyone helped. I can't begin to list all the people who went above and beyond the "call of duty" to make it work.

I arrived at 8:40 (early for me), and I finished chemo around 4:40. Most of the staff left by 3:00 (it is Chanukah, after all). Even the nurse who was on duty until the end was patient and pleasant.

I got home after 5:00 and I was exhausted! (Also still a little woozy from the antihistamine) I wanted to eat a bit, light candles and go to sleep. Ha!

My eldest daughter wanted my help; so I dropped everything to help her. What I thought would take just a few minutes of problem solving, revealed a much greater problem (which she had created during a "teenage moment" yesterday). Though I was still upset with her about that particular "teenage moment," I tried to help solve the current crises. However, in the middle, as I was asking for her help to solve her problem, she had another "teenage moment." I had already solved the major problem and was now working on the original, relatively minor, problem (she really wanted a ride in the morning, at 7:00).

At first, I handled myself well. I stopped what I was doing and calmly told her that she behaved inappropriately to me and I would no longer be helping her to solve this particular problem (it's not like there was no way for her to get where she needed to go; she could take a bus).

Had I stopped there, she would have been upset, but I would have done the right thing.

Unfortunately, my kids know how to "suck me in!" Within seconds, I was dealing with a whiny and demanding child.

That is when I lost it.

Boy, did I yell at her! All my frustrations about yesterday's incident, combined with today's incident, combined with the fact that I was exhausted and still taking care of her even when she deserved to learn her lesson the hard way, and I was just fed up with her attitude!

My friend, who was in the other room, heard me shouting and high tailed it out of there! Oops.
Well, now she knows I'm human, and yell at my kids sometimes. (I know it might be hard to believe, especially for all you perfect parents out there, but I can be pretty scary when I am a raging lunatic mom)

I tried to regain my composure and talk reasonably with my daughter, but everything that came out of her mouth just agitated me further! Finally, Moshe came out and sent her to her room.

Later, much later, he went in to talk with her.

Then she came out to talk with me.

We were both much calmer and had a really productive conversation. Every time my daughter slipped into "teenage mode," I miraculously managed to maintain my poise and refocus her attention on the main issues at hand.

When we finished, she went off to do the things she had to do. I promised her that when she was done, we could spend a few moments together.

When she came back, she was affectionate, but still a little irritating. Eventually, I got her to smile and even to laugh.

"Why won't you drive me in the morning?" She asked, for the umpteenth time, looking up at me with her puppy eyes.

"Because I do not love you enough," I answered, exasperated.

"Can you love me more," she implored.

"I already do," I answered, kissing her on her forehead.

Y: "A hundred times?"

Me: "A million times"

Y: "A googol?"

Me: "A googol of googols."

Y: "Enough to take me in the morning?"

Me: "No."

Y: "Can you love me more?"

Me: "Yes."

Y: "A lot more?"

Me: "To the moon and back!"

Y: "Enough to take me in the morning?"

Me: "No."


Suddenly Moshe's voice interrupted us: "Doesn't she have to get up in the morning?"

I looked at Y with "that look" that said "you are getting me in trouble with your Abba again!" Then I mouthed to her "get into bed" and called back to him: "she's already in bed."

"No I'm not" she called back, laughing, as she ran to her room.

Then she stopped, turned to me and asked “Will you sing to me?”

I was so tired. But, how could I say "no?" We had had two very bad fights in as many days, and now she was asking me to sing to her, something I have not done for a very long time.

I got up and accompanied her to her room. Then she crawled under the covers and stuck her hand out, for me to hold.

As I sang to her, she closed her eyes and smiled that peaceful, beautiful smiling of sleeping children.

When I finished, we hugged each other.

"I love you," she said quietly.

"I love you so much," I whispered back.

Then, just before I walked out the door, I paused. "No," I answered the unasked question one final time.

"What...?" she started to ask.... then.... "Oh....."

She giggled.

"I love you, mommy."

"I love you too sweetheart."





Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

Uncamping

Juggling Frogs wrote a wonderful comment on Mother in Israel's blog:

"You know how some homeschoolers work without a curriculum and call it "unschooling"? Well, we're not homeschoolers, but in the summer, our family engages in "uncamping". We bask in the lack of a schedule and float across time..."Juggling Frogs 07.07.08

I have not yet decided if I am a "homeschooler-wannabee" or just a "homeschooler-sympathizer". In either case, If I homeschooled, my kids would definitely be an "unschooled" -- which is why Moshe would never agree to it.

Thankfully, despite a rocky start with one of my kids, all three of my kids love school -- though they don't always admit it! They all love to learn; most of their teachers are excellent; and they have great kids in their classes. (Don't be fooled, I have my share of criticism of our school in particular, and the educational system in general! But, since we are sending to school, at least we have frameworks that work, overall, for our kids.)

That said, we all look forward to spending our summers together! Up until this year, we also basked in our free time. We slept late in the mornings, stayed out late at night, played with friends, and had a wonderful time.

When asked, the kids would tell their friends that they are in "Kaytanat Ima" (Mom's Summer Camp) -- we even made T-shirts, which we would wear on our outings. (Every summer, each kid would paint his/her own "Kaytanat Ima" shirt)

Last summer, I lost a lot of my summer running around to tests and doctor's appointments, and, eventually, chemotherapy (starting, Thursday, July 26).

Thankfully, my friends, especially IS, really helped make sure that my kids' summer vacation still included many fun activities.

Each year, we plan most of the summer with IS -- She is much more organized than I am, she has a daughter Y's age and a son MD's age, and ALL our kids play well together! (At the end of last summer, MD told me that he especially looked after TE, one of IS's young twins, as if TE were MD's little brother!)

So, it was natural (and more than generous) that IS volunteered to organize transportation and food so that my kids could continue to participate in all our usual fun activities (museums, parks, etc).

At one point, IS mentioned that the outings were different without me. I was sort of surprised. I knew that IS would miss my company (since we both look forward to hanging out and talking all day). But I did not think my kids would really notice my absence. After all, when I'm there, my kids practically ignore me while they play with their friends. It was nice to know that they missed me (in a bittersweet sort of way).

I am glad that I did not know then, that that would be our last free summer together.

This summer, my eldest daughter is busy almost all July. As I mentioned before, she went away the first week of summer vacation for four days and three nights, to a "madatzim" (young leaders) seminar. She came back Wednesday night, bursting with enthusiams and eager to share what she learned!

Next week, she begins a 13 day course to become a "madrichat ezer" (assistant teacher) for her gymnastics chug (class). Even though Y only started gymnastics this past year, she also volunteered as a "mitnassah" (teacher trainee) for the younger kids. She took her volunteer job very seriously, and almost never missed it! Her instructor was so impressed with Y (both by Y's personal improvement and by her commitment and skill as a "mitnassah"), that she strongly recommended that Y take this training course, even though Y is still relatively new to gymnastics and cannot do all the exercises for this level, yet. The training course is a serious and intense course, run by the municipality and the Wingate Institute.

MD also put in a special request this summer: he wanted to learn computer programming. We searched around and found a 2-week program, in the same building as Moshe works!

Only A chose to stay at home! I was so excited to have her to myself!!

Who knew that I would spend the entire week running to the hospital?! Thankfully, one of her good friends is also home, and they spent a lot of time together, including one spontaneous sleepover. At least we have next week together!

So, our family has gone from having all the time in the world, to having to schedule around Y's programs, MD's kaytanah (summer camp), my chemo, and, let's not forget, youth group activities! Y is now in "chagas" (chevraya gimel -- high school age group), which means that she has activities all the time, at all hours of the day and night.

It is a bit frustrating for IS, whose kids are still home and don't go to youth group, so she is still free as a bird! I am grateful that she is so flexible!

Meanwhile, I have mixed feelings.

I loved our summers of uncamping. I loved waking up each morning and deciding what we were going to do. I loved being able to stay out late, and not have to worry about waking up the kids in the morning. I loved being able to just pack up and go, whenever/wherever I wanted.

But I am also proud of the things that my children are choosing to do with their summers.

And I am proud of the independence that they are developing.

Of course, these mixed feeling can hit you in the gut. Like, when I asked Y if she would be joining us for certain activities, and she answered "Sure, if it fits into my schedule."



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA

More on Teenagers and Shoes

(For greater appreciation, read my post about Shoe Shopping with My Teenage Daughter)

This time, I really did promise Y that I would take her to get shoes.

She saw flip-flops for 10 NIS in the mall. I told her we could go get them this week and then I would take her out for lunch.

We were both looking forward to it.

As each day passed, and I was unable to bear the thought of shopping with my ear ache, Y's disappointment grew.

Next week, Y is going away for 4 days to a seminar for "madatzim" (madrichim tz'irim -- young leaders). All year, she had been taking this hadracha (informal education) course for 8th graders who are interested in being madrichim (leaders). At the end of the year, they receive a certificate and have the option of continuing the course at the next level.

I realized that if I did not take her for shoes on Friday (both to get flip-flops and a decent pair of sandals) that she would go off next week in her old, falling apart sandals. (the "new" ones are completely useless)

Thursday night, we discussed going for shoes on Friday, and it was clear that Y wanted to go, but did not want to count on it.

Unfortunately, there have been several occasions when I told her we would do something (usually involving shopping for something she needs) and then "something came up" and I had to cancel.

My daughter does not ask for much, and she is a tremendous help to me. It makes me sad to constantly dissapoint her.

Friday morning, we both woke up early (for us), but I did not feel up to it. After a nice breakfast together, I had to got lie down. I told Y to wake me up by 1:30, and, hopefully, we could go then.

Thank God, when she woke me up (the third time), I felt like I could manage to take her.

We left quickly, and went to the mall. The flip-flops she liked were no longer there. We quickly perused the other shoe stores, but did not find anything. (Y sort of liked one pair (for 100 NIS), but they did not have her size)

We left the mall. Y was bummed.

I had two ideas for places that we could probably find flip-flops, so the excursion would not be a total wash-up. Y chose to try Bazaar Strauss (a discount store that is really "hit or miss").

It was a HIT!

Right away we found flip-flops for 7.90-14.99 NIS. Y, of course, only like the more expensive ones, but she was willing to pay the difference. So we got her a pair, and a cheaper pair for A and me. (In the end, Y's pair also cost only 7.90, so we were all happy)

Then, we went inside and saw many pairs of nice sandals, on sale, for only 20 NIS! I have NEVER seen sandals that cheap in Israel! Similar sandals sell for 150-300 NIS in some of the boutiques!

I bought her 4 pair!

She now has 2 nice pairs for simchas/shabbat, 1 nice pair for shabbat/school, and a pair for school.

All for less than 100 NIS!

Not bad.

Hopefully, we won't have to go shoe shopping again for a LONG time.

And, since Y, A and I are almost the same shoe sizes, we can share!



Please daven (or send happy, healing thoughts) for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

With love and optimism,
RivkA